Woman in the Mirror

Woman in the Mirror

I look in the mirror and see a stranger

Rolls of fat

Sleepy eyes

Sadness

Darkness

Dried tears on my shoulders

 

I'm feeling deserted

Abandoned

Lost in my own home

Trying to navigate through quicksand

Unable to reach anyone

 

I'm lost for words

Not understanding

No comprehension

Trapped and lonely

 

I can't see the light

The tunnel is dark

The path twisting and turning

I can't discover where to go or how to…

Help myself

 

I'm scared

Not noticing myself in the mirror

Constantly lost

Always feeling like I'm on a roller-coaster

Can't see my future

Scared to let go and let god

 

I don't trust

Can't trust anyone to get close

Won't let anyone in to help

Constantly scratching at my skin

Trying to feel deep within

 

I'm broken

Perfect pieces laying on the floor

Stepped all over and shoved aside

 

I don't know her

That woman in the mirror

Who fell in love

Deserted by hope

Can't form the words to explain it all

Trapped in the light of uncertainty

Scared for myself and what's to come next

Not trusting my instincts anymore

Not trusting

Ultimately broken

Scared of the woman now looking at me in the mirror.

 

Copyright @2019

This Place Called...

This Place Called...

He will not put more on you than you can bare

Yet, my heart is breaking and bursting everywhere

My feelings are all over the place

Restless, confused, feeling disgraced

 

Emotional over this place called Love

Always beautiful and mesmerizing

Yet painful and full of pain and strife

Constantly seeking for more than just Love…

 

Wishing for some peace

Praying for the agony to cease

Always longing for that place called Peace

Never reaching, always so far away

My frustrations never decrease

 

I'm open

Open to finding this place called Hope

Yet darkness is constant and

It's hard to cope

Always feeling off balance and on a slippery slope

 

I'm wishing on a star

Looking for that place called Faith

Scared to pray

Wondering why God left me in space

Floating endlessly, lost

Not even recognizing my own face

 

I silently grasp for this place called Trust

Wanting to believe that there has to be better

There has to be more than just this

Feeling of hopelessness and mistrust

Not wanting to let go yet feeling amiss

 

Constantly turning in circles

Looking for this place called Love

Wanting more

Needing more

Scared to move forward

But stuck and unsure

 

I run and find this place called Oblivion

Stuck in time

Can't move forward

Seeing the light but can't reach it

Because love hurts and it's a crime

Forcing me to choose us or nothing

Nothing or new

New or change

 

Yes Change.

That place called Change that

Promises love, peace, hope, faith, trust

Yet… its so far away

That I feel shortchanged and run back to… Love

Copyright @2019.

Registration C5AUyp8dEv8G9s0x.

 

Big Announcement from your friend Tiffany Brown Sanders

Hello all! I wanted to let you know that I published my 1st book Reality Check on Amazon June 25th! I am so excited about sharing this story with the world. The book is based off some of my personal experiences and I hope that all that read it will be inspired. You can read more about Reality Check at https://amzn.to/2Ld7xIb.

I am hosting my Book Launch party on August 10th.  I have sent you all an invitation on Facebook. The link for the invite is https://www.facebook.com/events/477539062671755/. I hope that you will all plan to attend. If you can't, all well wishes can be sent to PO Box 621732, Charlotte, NC 28262 ATTN: Tiffany Sanders. I would love to hear from you and hope you plan to come celebrate with me and meet some other awesome authors and artist at this event. This will be the networking event of the summer! Flyer will be sent soon.

Our 2nd series of Speak Up and Inspire will be filmed on August 4th. We are looking for sponsors to provide food, dessert and gifts for the speakers who are sharing their personal stories. If you can sponsor lunch or can donate gifts to the speakers, please let me know. In the meanwhile, can you help me by sharing the pilot of the Speak Up and Inspire Series with your family, friends, social media, and networks?! We are trying to get at least 300 views by August 4th. To share, use this link https://youtu.be/kmPW_L41T_w. We are currently at 67 views! Please help us share the word in inspiring survivors of domestic violence and sexual assault to speak up and share their stories.

Thank you for letting me share. Have an amazing and blessed day! Please feel free to forward this email.

Sleep

I can't sleep

My mind is racing

Trying to find answers to questions only you can reply to

Why me

Why us

Why was I not enough

What happened to happily ever after

Was it the openness

The weight gain

The pain I endure on a regular

Or was it something else

Was it you

The age difference

The lack of male role models

Or is just an addiction

I tried to forgive

I tried giving options

I tried to save face

I tried everything but give up

It was still not enough

We were still not enough

I'm restless

Torn between still being in love with you

And...

Wanting to let go

I know I deserve better

I know I was a good wife

I know I did my best

But it still wasn't enough

I'm delirious

I can't sleep

My mind won't rest

I'm dumbfounded

Was I not sexing you enough

Loving you enough

Not there for you

Or was it just karma laughing at me

Naw... I've paid for my mistakes twice over

So then what's keeping me from closing my eyes and finding some peace

It's you

Craving you in my bed

Missing you during the day

Wanting to kiss your lips i love so much

But I can't

All I see is them

All I feel is your hands on foreign thighs

All I smell is lust and sweat

I can't sleep

Your haunting my mind and my heart

Yet I still love you

Though your my nightmare

 

Shower Conviction

Standing in the shower

I could feel something familiar

The dirty feeling

Wanting to scorch my skin from the filth

Feeling uneasy with my body

Wanting to lather the nastiness away

Touching my body

I felt my nails dig in my skin

Scraping my way to a sense of normalcy

Feeling numb to peace

Wanting to drown in my misery

Wishing the water would wash me away

The feeling was familiar

A sense of violation

Disrespect to my temple

Taken advantage of

Feeling empty and helpless

I felt abused...

I felt hurt

Emotionally.

Mentally.

Spiritually.

I felt empty

Abandoned

Embarassed

Scared.

More and more I realized what it was

I felt raped

Raped...

Raped of my love

Raped of my spirit

Raped of my commitment

Raped of my conviction

Raped of my future

Raped of my willingness to forgive

I touched my skin again from the realization

Understanding the familiar feeling

Suddenly feeling bashful

Fat

Unattractive and detached

Just like back then

But this time

Instead of letting the tears fall

I stopped

Touched every inch of my body

And said to myself...

I GOT THIS!  

 

 

  

The Music...

The music

The melody

The words and the memories

They all bring me to my knees now

Listening to our favorite songs

Singing our favorite duets

Vibing to our favorite slow jams

They all remind me of what we used to be

The radio

Pandora

Even YouTube

They all host hypnotic love songs that weaken me...because I think of you

Hearing those hyms you use to croon to me

Those melodic tunes that made me throb for you

Sharing those sexy moments we often took advantage of to dance to

They all now make me want to rip my heart out

The sway of the beats

The words we blush to

The chorus that captured our heart

They all now make me wonder if we were all just a video bound to end...eventually

The music

The melody 

The words and the memories

They all make me wish I never loved them, cherished them and reminded me of you 

#GODFATHER_FIRSTNAME#} has an invitation for Valentine's Day 💕

Hello, Some time ago, your friend iTiffany invited you to play the Happy Couple app. Just like Tiffany, take the daily quiz and learn more about your partner. Today is the perfect day to start playing with your significant other and to share fulfilling conversations together. Log in and both you and your partner will immediately receive 20  FREE QUESTIONS as our gift to you. Just click on an icon below from your mobile or tablet device, then download and play! Happy Valentine's Day! The Happy Couple team happycouple.co | Contacts us Copyright © 2016 Happy Couple, all rights reserved Click here if you don't want to hear from us anymore

Need help?

Hello, Your friend Tiffany recently invited you to download Happy Couple. If you had any troubles downloading it or setting up your account, please let me know by simply answering this email! You can find the download links below: Arnaud Le Mérour Co-Founder happycouple.co | Contacts us Copyright © 2016 Happy Couple, all rights reserved

Tiffany has an invitation for you

Hello, Tiffany invites you to play the Happy Couple app. Just like your friends, take the daily quiz and learn more about your partner. Just follow these simple steps: Click on a icon below from your mobile or tablet device Download and play! PS: if you are having any trouble while downloading the app or creating your account, please let us know: team@happycoupleapp.com. Happy Couple features include: daily quiz couple's progression tips and activities happycouple.co | Contacts us Copyright © 2016 Happy Couple, all rights reserved Wednesday, September 2, 2015 I Do I remember when I first laid eyes on you My stomach turned flips I felt myself turn red all over and I was in awe It wasn't just your good looks Or the flowers in your hand It was your smile The way you looked at me and watched me come to you I remember when I first looked into your eyes The first time I touched your hand The first time I felt your lips I remember when I needed you I held you tight You wiped away my tears I first felt safe in your arms I remember when I fell and you were there to pick me up I remember when you first told me you loved me I remember the moment you looked into my eyes with fear for what was happening between us I remember when you first made love to me You first pulled me close to you I remember wanting to submit to you Be the best for you I remember all the first and amazing things you've done for me But I always keep close to my heart The moment I remember the most The evening I heard your heartbeat and it synced with mine I remember I knew I would love you more than anything So if I don't remember to tell you I love you I do If I don't remember to tell you I appreciate you I do If I don't remember to show you I care I do If I don't always act like I want you I do If I don't let you know I'm missing you I do And if I don't remember to remind you how much you mean to me you do But more importantly if I don't remember to tell you any of the above know I do more than I just I Do but that I can forever remember to love You Wednesday, June 10, 2015 You. Me. These last couple of weeks You have been my rock My shoulder to lean on My strength from afar You have kept me motivated Strong Focused In these weeks I have learned What kind of friend you are How much commonalities we share And I like it Not just because you're easy to talk to Or that you understand the importance of communication Not just because you listen Even when I don't make sense Or I ramble on in an emotional mess You're perfectly flawed Just like me You've been hurt Just like me You've suffered a loss Just like me Your strong enough to rebuild Just like me You rise above Just like me And guess what You're a male version of me That makes me see How truly amazing your heart can be Even through all that pain I thank you For all that you are to me Helping me through this storm Comforting me when I'm weak And all this you did Unselfishly Because you're You Nothing more Nothing less Just You And that's perfectly fine for me I'm looking forward To what could be Facebook buddies Friendship or more Homey lover friends Lovers by night The Knight to my Day The King to my throne Whatever it may be Or not be I'm glad you're here I'm glad you're here with me Tuesday, June 9, 2015 Confused You pull me in and take my breath away You make me feel things I didn't know existed Between you and I You... You arouse something in me that I don't understand You're my friend My confidante The person I turn to And yet And yet there are those moments When you completely take over Capture my attention Draw me in Make me pay attention Help me focus On you On you and only you But then it stops We go back to how it used to be How it's always been What's comfortable for both of us Or maybe just me No I know it is for you too Sometimes Yes sometimes It's comfortable to just be friends It's comfortable to not confuse things But But when you look at me like that Kiss me like that Hold me like that Smile at my children and say you love them I know what's really going on You love me as your friend But you're in love with what your dreams tell you this could be You love me as that chick That can watch the game with you Laugh at your twisted jokes You love that girl that's always there As your friend Knowing Knowing that your touch is not just that of a friend That goodbye is not just your friendly way of saying I'll miss you That invitation to go out is a way for you to breathe in my scent The way you touch me pulls me in Captivates my attention Demands I see you Yes you My friend, my could be more, my possibility... Tuesday, May 26, 2015 These Walls It's growing A wall thick and rugged Growing tall and full of splendor Covering it's prize with thorns Walls caving in Shielding the inner crevices With black tar and clay Covering it's insides with quicksand Getting thicker Impenetrable No one can see in or out Covering it's display with plexiglass It's growing Walls made of cement Topped with brick after brick Covering it with layers of pretty marble It's undeniable and strong A force field against any wear and tear or destructive forces Its greater than the Walls of China Guarded by the God Zeus Scared of Aphrodite It's beyond recognition It's contents inside withering Unable to move, feel, or grow Blinded by the fortress that's built so perfectly Its walls are unmarked Forgotten in thought But not mistaken by those that marvel at it Wondering what's inside These walls that cover This heart of mine Monday, May 25, 2015 I Feel Something I feel like crying With eyes too dry to see in front of me I feel like screaming With a mouth too parched to open I feel like wishing With no hopes of happily ever after I'm scared Scared to let go Scared to lose my O Scared my heart won't feel again Because I don't want to feel anything but what I felt with him I feel like wanting With the need to be wanted too I feel like running With legs too wobbly to escape I feel like giving up With no way to go but down I'm heartbroken Heartbroken at the fact I tried Heartbroken at the thought I believed in something Heartbroken that my O made me feel something I never thought would B and definitely never ever could C I feel like yelling With words that only form ballads I feel like going to sleep With only my dreams comforting my nightmares I'm scared Scared I won't allow any one else in EVER Scared that my pieces can't be put back together Scared that enough is enough and theirs no turning back but I long for what I want and long for what I need So now what... I feel like turning back time With a clock that never chimes I feel like escaping With a roadmap that leads to nowhere I feel like I'm done With anything resembling now I'm scared I'm heartbroken I'm lost I feel like IT is yet to be seen I feel something is not done I feel like something is not over I feel like something has yet to be seen I feel I feel I feel Something... Saturday, December 13, 2014 Mr Officer Mr Officer Mr Officer Can you please respond to my 911 I thought I heard an intruder But I'm not sure where the noise is coming from It might be in my bedroom Can you check on my bed to see It might be under the bed Bend over nicely there for me Or it could be in the kitchen Lift me on the counter Let's see Or mix me up with your blender Make it creamy just for me Mr Officer Mr Officer I think I see someone over there Up against the wall Right here can't you feel it Not my ass against you sir That shadow over there Let's run over to the couch Lay down on me Let's hide Feel my body heat with yours My temperature is about to rise You might need your handcuffs To hold the bad guy down Or you might just have to use them on me So I can't move that much around Mr Officer Mr Officer Are you sure the bad guys over there Because I just might be your bad girl Search me if you dare I'm that drug that will make you hungry Make you take off that shield And be bare Or that drug that will make you crave me And go bad cause you won't share Mr Officer Mr Officer Can you come over please Bring your caution tape with you And bring me to my knees Tuesday, November 25, 2014 Define it Pain It rots away at you Like an old painting Losing its luster and quality slowly over years Pain is like the color of black scarlet roses Wilting in the sunlight for everyone to see It's beautiful to some But hideous in the eyes of those who were hypnotized by its uniqueness Pain is like A child who eats at their flesh Everytime their father drunkingly beats them Pain is like milk souring In the attic Festering, stinking stench rising like the heat Pain is like the bullets that run the projects Hitting not one but two children With no witnesses Pain is like This aching in your spine that Pierces you in places You can't even reach Pain is like A woman being violated over and over again By her tormenter Pain is like A virgin giving her heart and soul To a pedophile Never knowing what it means to be protected Pain is like That quick realization That your father won't live pass a week The first man that taught you what kind of daddy he could be Pain is like That feeling you get When something isn't right and you do it anyway And then after you can only blame yourself because you could have stopped it Pain is like That day you went to take a step And fell down a flight of stairs breaking every bone In your body and you can feel each break Pain is like That time you fell in love With someone who was gorgeous And compassionate and Loving and one day You find out that you met Jeckyl not Clyde, his representative Pain is like this never ending cluster Of fucked up feelings That you can never seem to reconcile Because something else fucked up happens And then one day Pain is over And your life is over Still Here Standing still Seeing the time pass me by Waiting on a change Waiting on something new Looking at my phone Checking my Facebook Nothing Seeing the time Tick tock Tick tock Not seeing headlights coming home Ding! No ones coming Dong! Waiting on a change Voicing my feelings Expressing myself as best I can He's hearing me But not listening How long am I supposed to wait? Waiting on something new Hoping that it will click In his mind What he's done wrong While I'm checking myself In the mirror Willing to change myself If need be Looking at my phone It's about that time Tick tock Tick tock Holding back from Taking the first step Why should I When I'm not the one Who stumbled off track Ding dong Checking my Facebook It's business as usual Post about Michael Brown Post about our Mayor for Life Post about injustices in every ones lives Scroll down Nothing out of the ordinary Nothing Not one thing to do But wait Pray Hope Have faith Believe that if it's meant to be it will be At least that's what they say... Standing still Seeing the time getting later Waiting for a sign Waiting on what could still be Looking at my phone less Writing in my blog Something is better then just Sitting here... Sunday, November 23, 2014 Missing Thoughts Missing him But scared to reach out Afraid he'll make it into Something it's not Missing him but hurt at this change of events Turning my clock back One two three More years Missing him But afraid to tell him exactly how I feel For fear that he'll reject me By turning my words inside and out Missing him But too forewarned to think I want him to want me Like I want him So I wait to see who Will take the first move Missing him But wishing that Something will click and He'll realize what's missing and Admit that it's me Missing him But refusing to show him How weak I really am That he is the source of everything in me Missing him But distant Because he's hurt my passion And romance By not appreciating My efforts and gestures of love Instead he made it into Something That I didn't possibly dream of Missing him But running before I fall all to pieces Because i never really got it Or was able to embrace the love He promised to me Missing him But scared to reach out to my love For fear that he'll ruin me When all I wanted was him Completely and to fall Deep in love Wednesday, November 19, 2014 Rescue Me Rescue me Take me away from this moment right here Where I can't breathe Think Feel anything but your presence Rescue me Help me understand why You won't come for me Why you can't see that I love you Unconditionally Rescue me Take my hand and lead me away From this hell I'm in Protect me and reassure me That this is all in my mind Rescue me Make me understand That despite your harsh words You're sorry and Never meant to hurt me Rescue me Keep me from giving up Keep me from completely giving up On love Take my hand and wrap me in your arms Rescue me Show me exactly what I mean to you Let me hear the sincerity in your voice See morning hellos you never failed to send Let me know that you're missing me as much as I'm needing you Rescue me from the ones You said would set out to destroy us The ones you said you don't give a fuck about Those haters you said would never change your love for me Those ones you said You would protect me from Rescue me Like you did months ago When you told me I had to open up I had to allow myself to love again Or rescue me From the pain Of you playing me for a fool Like all the others before you By telling me the truth Destroying everything you taught me to believe in again Rescue me from pain Or rescue me from never loving again As much as I loved you Rescue me like you know you can And did before Rescue me from a lifetime without you Or a deathwish of never wanting to love again Rescue me My blame Floating around Pacing back and forth Unsure of what to do next Stuck in oblivion Afraid to go forward Worried I won't be able to pick up the pieces Scared I won't want to mend my broken heart Easier to let go Then be hurt anymore Can't stop the pain Wanting to just give up Not knowing what the future holds Grasping for air Between tears and screams Not knowing why Or understanding how to get pass this Heartache Headache Pain Disappointment Fear Disillusioned Pissed for trusting someone The last One with my heart Can't sleep Can't see Can't hear Waiting for his call Checking my phone for his text Wondering if I'm the only one whose hurting and wanting things to be better Different Us Watching him go on Like its nothing Happy Blessed Encouraged Forgetting all about me In an instant Questioning everything he said I wonder if he meant any of the words spoken Any of the sweetness he barely uttered Any of the promises Any of the plans I looked forward to Looking back Knowing I'm missing something Not registering Just pacing back and forth Feeling foolish by myself Wanting it all to be over I don't understand As the tears begin to fall again I'm slipping away Inside myself Wishing it all to be A lonely nightmare I'm floating Vanishing Never to be seen again Not wanting to want or love again Gone Blaming me for loving again Subscribe to: Posts (Atom) About Me Unknown View my complete profile Blog Archive ▼  2019 (2) ▼  October (2) Woman in the Mirror This Place Called... ►  2018 (5) ►  July (1) ►  May (3) ►  February (1) ►  2017 (2) ►  May (1) ►  January (1) ►  2015 (5) ►  September (1) ►  June (2) ►  May (2) ►  2014 (19) ►  December (1) ►  November (7) ►  August (3) ►  June (1) ►  March (4) ►  February (2) ►  January (1) ►  2013 (72) ►  December (2) ►  November (4) ►  October (4) ►  September (8) ►  August (4) ►  July (1) ►  June (10) ►  May (10) ►  April (23) ►  March (2) ►  January (4) ►  2012 (83) ►  December (23) ►  November (20) ►  October (6) ►  September (11) ►  August (15) ►  July (8) Followers Awesome Inc. theme. 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