Dear Diary- Moving Forward

These last 3 weeks have been trying. I lost my best friend and it made me wake up every morning since with a goal of how to improve my life that very day because tomorrow certainly isn't promised. I have been trying to reach my goal each day and even though forces are not cooperating and not allowing me to reach the goals I want to, I have to keep moving forward.
One thing I have learned from these last couple of months is that my healing is not over. I am still healing and still growing from my past and even though I can't seem to get away from it, I know now that I never will. All I can do is move forward the best way I know how and that is by focusing on what makes ME happy and being true to ME and doing what I need to do to take hold of my happiness.
So many times we find excuses and reasons for this and reasons for that but that doesn't take away the fact that we still do have control of our own happiness if we take ownership of it. I can't keep letting my past make me fearful of my future. I had my future all planned out and because of MY OWN fear and MY OWN insecurities and the pain that still exists in my heart along with the anger, resentment and just downright mistrust of every man in my life, I was blocking my own happiness by making foolish decisions and by grasping on to different parts of my happiness instead of focusing on the biggest part of my happiness- my future. I can live in the moment but the moment is not an investment into my future (or is it)?
I am still trying to figure this out and yes, I have a lot of work to do, but I am so thankful to my best friend, even in her passing, still supporting me. She would never want me to be in this place I'm in right now. The last time I saw her she was so happy for me and I feel like I let her down. I can't continue letting her down and myself for that matter.
I'm so tired of being unhappy on the inside and strong on the outside. I am always there for everyone else and I have been neglecting the most important person- ME. That stopped the morning I woke up and knew I would never hear her voice again and never see her beautiful eyes looking at me again and I would never ever get to hug her again. I need to see her again and the only way I can do that is to get my life right- now. For once and for all, I need to get it right.

Quotes about Heartbreak

Some of my favorites:

There are things that we don't want to happen but have to accept, things we don't want to know but have to learn, and people we can't live without but have to let go.
-- Author Unknown

Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live.
-- Norman Cousins

Real loss only occurs when you lose something that you love more than yourself.
-- Anonymous

The weirdest thing happened the other morning...I woke up with tears in my eyes...and one rolling down my cheek...and I knew I must have been dreaming of you again.
-- Author Unknown (been feeling this way for days now)

When love is lost, do not bow your head in sadness; instead keep your head up high and gaze into heaven for that is where your broken heart has been sent to heal.
-- Author Unknown

When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.
-- Alexander Graham Bell

When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.
-- Kahlil Gibran

Giving up doesn't always mean you are weak; sometimes it means that you are strong enough to let go.
-- Author Unknown

If we must part forever,
Give me but one kind word to think upon,
And please myself with, while my heart's breaking.
-- Thomas Otway (I said something similar to this weeks ago)

Let no one who loves be unhappy... even love unreturned has its rainbow.
-- James Matthew Barrie (hmm)

More here, http://www.great-inspirational-quotes.com/heartbroken-quotes.html

I Pray- Amanda Perez lyrics

You know with each day that passes by, I pray to god I'll never forget who you are.
You mean everything to me.
I love you

Ooooh Ooooh 
Ooh I pray

You were in my dream
Before I even knew that there was a you and me,
Now I can't wait to see your smile,
When I wake up each day,
It makes it worth while
With the kinda love you plant inside, 
Specially with a heart so empty as mine.
All your soft tenderness is the one thing that I don't wanna miss.

[Chorus:]
I pray,
When it's time for me to say goodbye
I'll never forget looking in your eyes,
I pray,
That I feel your touch 
And that God doesn't forget our love,
I pray,
When I close my eyes,
I can still see visions of you on my mind.
I pray,
That I see you in another life,
I pray that you still by my side.
Oh I pray.

Everything that you give to me,
Only comes in a fantasy,
It seems like life goes by so fast,
But in this time I wanna make it last. (I pray)
I hate that we live to die,
But only God knows why (I pray)
We all have a purpose, 
And to see you again it'll be worth it.

[Chorus]

[Slow rap:]
I wish that I could stop time,
I wish that I could rewind,
To the very begining of every second of my life.
To ask God on my hands and knees,
To never let me forget all my special memories.
See I'm only promised today,
And if it's my time to go,
I don't want the love of my life to ever fade away,
So one last time
Let me open my eyes.
To see what my life used to be like.
Oh God.I pray,
When it's time for me to say goodbye
I'll never forget looking in your eyes,
I pray,
That I feel your touch 
And that God doesn't forget our love,
I pray,
When I close my eyes,
I can still see visions of you on my mind.
I pray,
That I see you in another life,
I pray that you still by my side.
Oh I pray.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xNmFVpPtS5I

Feeling...

I woke up again this morning feeling...
I also realized that you, you and You are gone
Leaving me here all alone
To wallow in my own pain and misery

I looked around my home and saw...
I can't sleep at night alone in my bed
Its all too big and I feel lonely instead
I'm missing You, you and you

I walked to the mirror and all I could see...
I can feel your lips on mine
and I can see the clock ticking counting time
I wish I could just touch you once more

I am getting dressed but I don't fee like...
The only thing I want to do is see your face again
I am wishing on a cloud hoping and praying
But you aren't there...you may never be the way I need you to be

I can see my future and it looks so...
All our plans and all the years are gone
Washed away with the current
Still holding on to what should have been

I can see you everytime I close my eyes and you are...
Your done with me, disappointed and running away
I can't stop you no matter how much I pass your way
you can't see me anymore- even my shadows are faint.

I sit down and pray for the chance to...
I need to believe in love
and the power that it holds
I need to believe in us and what we shared

I am no good with out You and Us
I need you here with me
I'm missing you so much
for without you there is no love to trust

I did wake up just to be...
Waiting for you call to hear your voice
Buying the time until I can see your face
Needing to be close, feeling your embrace

I woke up this morning wanting...
Waiting on you to come back
Wondering how I failed so much
feeling like a new person inside out

I finally made myself a promise...
To get it right for not just you
To take hold of my meaning and vowing to be true
To be free from pain and always feeling blue

I know now what I need to...
its all clear now and yet I always knew
you did that for me and so did she
I get it now. Its all on me.





© copyright 2012-11-29 12:20:54 - All Rights Reserved

I'm home too

We are laying my best friend to rest today. I tried to be strong and go to work today but I couldn't. I broke down before I could even get out the car.
I realized that He isn't here and I'm alone to deal on my own. Out side of my children I have no one to call my own. I have never felt so alone in my life.
I miss you Nikki. You were my Sunshine.

Dear Diary- Grieving triple time

My best friend Nicole Freshour, died suddenly Thanksgiving night. I miss her so much. Even though we did not talk regularly, I knew she loved me and she knew I loved her. She was such a sweet down to earth beautiful woman inside and out.
In her passing, I embraced my friendships with people I had  thought I lost and forgave others who hurt me but I know love me just the same. I also looked at myself in the mirror and admitted my faults and saw clearly who I was and what I needed to do to make my life better, easier, manageable and happier. It started with honesty and then began my mission to heal completely. I thought that after 15 years of therapy I was the woman I thought I was supposed to be and even though I have healed from my rapes and the abuse and violence I have endured, I hadn't completely healed ME. I realize that the reason why I am not happily married is because a part of me is scared to love (because every person I have loved in the past has hurt me in some way or another and in ways no one child/woman should endure) and give into love completely no matter how close it is staring me in my face.
Not too long ago I talked about forgiveness and accusations and feeling betrayed, but the whole time I wasn't forgiving myself, the accusations were true (to some degree) and I betrayed myself and most importantly someone who has loved me for most of my life. I have also hurt others in the past because I couldn't let myself completely give myself wholeheartedly to someone. I could give them my heart but I kept holding back my soul and all my emotions. I have passed up a lot of good potential mates in my life because I was always searching for more because I couldn't see that the happiness was right there smiling in front of me. 
I am so mad at myself right now for my actions these last two years and hurting two very important people to me, but even more I regret that I didn't see before my angels passing that I was the one stopping my happiness. I knew I deserved it and she told me I did but I couldn't just take a hold of it and completely let someone love me. It was scary and I didn't quite know how to embrace it and cherish it, until she left... 
Before she died she apologized to me for not always being there and pushing me away but yet she always loved me and I always knew she did. So why did she hurt me?
She also did the same thing to her husband- apologized for hurting him and not being the best wife she could be, but that she loved him and wanted to be with him. So why did she hurt him?
See one reason I loved her so much is because I saw a part of her in me.
Just like I saw a part of me in my other best friend (not anymore because of me). 
I have sabotaged everything real and loving in my own life. My mirror image of love began with deceit, pain, hurt, abuse, mistrust, disrespect and everything else and for 35 years I have been continuing that cycle with MYSELF!
I can't be happy because I don't know how! I've never had long periods of happiness because I get too scared to take a hold of it and just be loved! I sabotage it before I can really take hold of it and experience it and its so sad!  Now I have lost everything yet I gained me again. I have to repair my road to happiness for me, for my kids, for him, for Nikki. I have to be a good godmommy to her son and give him the love he will be missing from his mommy. I also have to get down and dirty and see why I keep running the opposite way of my happiness before I lose what is left of my heart.
Andre, I am so sorry that I hurt you and I hope one day you will be able to forgive me. You were a good man to me and you didn't deserve what I have put you through. I thought I had healed. In a way I did outside but inside I am still trying to figure out what being in love and being happy means. I prayed the last couple weeks that he would be here to help me figure this all out through counseling, self revelations, and sifting through the pile of shit I have accumulated.
I wish I had someone to take me by the hand to help me figure this out, someone patient and forgiving, someone who truly knew that I was a good woman inside just crying and pleading for help but the one person that waited so long to give me the happiness I deserved doesn't have the strength anymore to keep fighting for me.  I hurt him again and now I am here alone dealing with it. I am not the woman I was 7, 10, 15, or even 20 years ago but I am definitely not the woman I should be. That needs to change before I lose my opportunity again for the love I so desperately need. I love myself but I am still a work in progress and I couldn't say that 3 years ago.
I just pray that one day he will forgive me and I can thank him for loving me so deeply. 

Sleep tight angel...

Sleep Tight Angel

Hearing of your passing
hurt me to my core
I instantly saw your face
as I watched the angels soar

Your sweet words of love
rang faintly in my ears
as I remembered your promise to call me

 and you washed away my fears

I have loved you as my friend
for many, many years
I never thought I would lose you this way
I can't help but shed more tears

As I see your sweet son 

looking just as beautiful as you are
I see a promise of something wonderful

 that came straight from you

your husband loves you dearly
you were always his favorite girl
we will miss you sweet nikki
there is no one like you in this world

As we collect your silver ashes
and pray for you to rest
I can see a sleeping beauty
and know that we've been blessed

Your memory is golden
we will love you forever more
my best and truest friend
Nikki I'll love you to the end

Sleep tight angel.

© copyright 2012-11-27 14:27:29 - All Rights Reserved