Monday, October 29, 2012

Fantasy Over

My mother once told me that I you can't love someone who doesn't deserve it and doesn't want it but I never thought I would add to it by adding "if he doesn't even realize how much you truly do."
Engaged to the same man three times, it ended again over a poem I posted on my blog that was written last year BEFORE him.
I try to share parts of me with everyone and it comes back to slap me in the face, literally.
If you are a writer or a poet, you know that you write for yourself first and your writings are inspired by something (or someone). You also know that not everyone thing you write that seems to be about someone is really about someONE.  You also know that not everyone has the privilege of reading your writings as soon as you write them. Why couldn't he understand that?
But I have come to a conclusion: He didn't want to believe that I was and am still in love with him more than he is now in love with me. He didn't want to see me for the woman I am today and all I have to offer. The accusations and the assumptions were all just excuses to let go of me, no matter how far away from the truth they were.  He was in love with the idea of me and not ME at all. If he was, he would have heard every truth I spoke to him yesterday and would have moved past the writing on the wall that was history unearthed during a time of exploration and healing for me. He would have understood that I shared something with the world that impacted me and was a means of healing for me.It had nothing to do with him. But for some reason he is too blind to see that not everything is about him and sometimes its just about Me.
I can't even express the pain I am going through right now because I am now numb and everything I had left in my heart is gone. Its a slow death that only time can heal but I will never heal from the accusations and the words that ended my whole future as I saw it and the funny thing is he has no idea that he is leaving behind a good woman who truly loved him and only wanted to love and care for him, not cheat on him, lie to him, or deceive him. When I said I was ready to settle down, I meant it and I meant it with him. 
The fantasy is over. The man I thought was in love with me and the man that told me he wouldn't leave me AGAIN, has done just that and not because I did something but because he assumed the worst again and you know what happens when you assume... the fantasy is over and my heart is done with giving my all because your all is never quite enough when dealing with a man who hasn't been able to trust his whole life and isn't ready to take the steps to get back what was lost a long time ago but he so desperately needs. I feel for the next woman, because there will be a next for always is...
So now my questions is "How can I move past a disappointment that I didn't deserve?" The fantasy is over...Reality hurts.

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