Thursday, September 26, 2013

Something in My Gut

I'm feeling something in my gut

That's telling me it's not okay

This nauseating, queasy feeling

That's saying you're not doing or wanting what you say

It's making me question everything

I thought and felt and knew

And wanted to believe

And it's making me feel as if I'm missing something I should have taken heed


See you say you want to love me

But I know you love someone else too

You say you want to be with me

But your attention says you don't have time to

You say that you want this to work

But you're hardly putting in the time

You say you want us to get back together

But yet you're hesitating to be mine


Now I understand we've done this

Back and forth for years

But there is one thing that has changed

And that is, I no longer have any fears

I'm trying and I'm giving

All you wanted back then and more

But for some reason I can't seem to find what

Our future has in store

Even more

 I can't feel if you're really willing to give me more


I can't ignore this feeling

That something just isn't right

I refuse to sit down and let go or stop this much deserved fight

However, I need a sign or something

That all this effort is for not

Because this feeling I'm having right now

Is more than just in my gut


It's tearing me a part

Making me anxious and even scared

Because I've never been in this position

And this feeling to be quite frank is rare

Giving my all and wanting only you

But I know that this is the moment of truth

When we finally come together

To see if our love can survive any type of weather


The pressure is mounting

The anticipation is killing me

Because for once I clearly know

What my heart wants for me

Even my mind is in agreement

That this is my hearts true destiny


Tho I can't help but wonder

If I'm too late to finally be yours

When you're giving me this feeling

That I'm not the one you still adore

For even you said things have changed

And I agree because I'm sure

That things this time are different

Because I love you more than ever before


Yes, the tables have turned

And I'm the one longing and waiting for you

So I can't ignore this feeling

That there is something missing or askew


I'm hoping it's just me

And the butterflies are stirring

And all that I am feeling

Is just my paranoia at its best

But it's something

Something there

That I can't quite figure out

Yet time will tell if it's me and you

That this feeling is all about


Maybe it's just me being excited

About this moment I've been waiting for so long

The moment that we finally see

If this love is really meant to be


Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Waking Up

Waking up in the morning

Feeling great

Knowing that my mind has taken a break

From pain, hurt and stress

Giving my heart the relief it needed and more


I am happy in love

And loving every moment of loving you

Knowing that with me, there is a you too

Wanting and needing me

Just as much as I want and need you


Feeling something so amazing

That it's completely taken me for a ride

Exhilarating, fantastic

Full of amazement and joy

Just knowing that I am at this point finally

Where I can give my all fully

With no reservations or baggage

But true love completely


Anticipating the day I see you

Longing to taste your lips

Feel your touch

And tell you how very much I love you

While missing you

Waiting for the day when I will see you again

Not wanting a day to go by ever again

That I can't see your smiling face

And appreciate this beautiful space

We have found ourselves back in


Hoping that this is it

This is where our lives begin

Finally together again

Giving you my all

Making you my number one

Waiting for you to simply come

To share in this feeling I know

Has a chance at forever


Wanting to assure you

And help you trust and believe

That this right here

Right now is true

And it's all about me and you


Praying that you will see

And open your heart completely

Knowing that I will cherish and protect your heart

At all cost

Never leaving or forsaking you again

Not wanting to ever feel the pain

Of losing you ever again


Earth shattering

Too much to bear

A feeling that was rare to me

But woke me up so I could clearly see


Having to take responsibility for the past

And placing the burden on me for what is yet to come

Knowing I have something to prove

But respecting

That with each day I love you

You will trust me more and more

And that our love is meant to be

Confirming what we always knew

Rejuvenating and close to being brand new


Refreshing and sweet

This feeling is complete



Faith in something so grand

That even I am amazed at the power of it

Only possible through you and me


Waking up this morning

Feeling alive and in love

Waiting to see your face again

Knowing all will be okay

My heart finally knowing and trusting

In true love

The true love you have for me

And the love I found within

Finally found

Making me open up to feel this right now

Loving you completely

Waiting to see you again

Forever by my side



Monday, September 16, 2013

To Be in Love

How can u not be in love with the thought of being in love
When you have these types of feelings
That make you blush and giggle like a schoolgirl
Have long conversations at night about the future
Laugh at all the craziness you have been through
Reminisce about the good and the bad times
Flirt with each other about what your going to do with each other the next time you see one another

How can you not want to be in love when you think about the trials and the tribulations you've been through and the two of you are still standing
Loving each other like their is no tomorrow
Still smiling at the sound of each other's names
Happily planning your future together
Wanting to grow old together

How can you not marvel at the wonders of being in love
When everything beautiful reminds you of them
The songs of sweet romance bring a moment you shared with them to the forefront of your mind
You can't wait to here the melody of their voice ringing in your ear
And just the way they say "yea baby" makes you twirl like a ballerina

How can you not want to live happily ever after in love
When you can imagine them old and grey holding your hand
Enjoying the better part of your days with them by your side
Raising your children and having your own family one day
Kissing them as if you never stopped being attracted to them

How can you vow to not believe in love
When we are an example of what true love is
We are the reason why others have faith
We are the example of how true love can conquer all and that the strength of our love could be enough
We are the way we both believed in our hearts we can be
And we are and will continue to be
In love
Loving each other eternally

Wednesday, September 11, 2013

I Needed

I needed to stop running
Running away from the thought of loving someone and being hurt
Opening up my closet and revealing all my secrets
Secrets that haunted and followed me everywhere I went

I needed to let go
Let go of the pain my father caused me
Let go of the young boys who took my virginity raping me of my innocence
Innocence long gone and never recovered

I needed to open up to the possibility
The possibility that maybe, just maybe I deserved love
Love that would protect and guide me
Guide me by example not by abuse and power

I needed someone to take my hand
Take my hand and show me what love was really about
Assure me that not all love was surrounded by doubt

I needed something powerful
Something so powerful to make me understand that without love, I'm not complete
Not complete or able to fully enjoy life's possibilities

I needed to forgive
Forgive those that hurt me, used me, bruised me and tried to control me
Controlling my mind and forgetting my heart
My heart that so needed to be handled with care and tended to like a precious jewel

I needed to stop using my body as a tool or a way to please others
Others that didn't care less past the front door because they didn't respect me
Like I didn't respect myself
Thinking that sex was a deposit for the reward I was looking for, love

I needed to be forgiven
Forgiven for all my mistakes
Mistakes I regret over and over again
Again because most don't understand the meaning of forgiveness
Saying they forgive but throwing daggers every chance they get
I only asked for forgiveness that was sincere and true

I needed to feel fear
Fear not of being hurt
But fear of not ever experiencing the kind of love I read about
Fear that I might miss out on something so beautiful
Something so genuine
Something so obviously meant for me
That if I didn't let go of the past
Then I would miss out on my future, missing the chance at love completely

I needed to feel what it is like to be in love
In love with someone who sincerely is in love with me
In love with my mind, my heart, my soul
My soul and not what they thought they could control, manipulate and replace

I needed to throw away my old ways
My old thoughts
My old selfishness
Selfishness labeled by others
Because they couldn't understand why I couldn't just be satisfied with them by seeking others
Not knowing that thru others I learned to hide my fear of giving my heart to only one
The One that might hurt and desert me like many before

I needed to look in the mirror and see my reflection
A reflection I wasn't proud of
A reflection that was longing to have someone I could surrender to
To be able to just let them love me the way I desperately needed but scared to do for myself

I needed to learn to love myself
I needed to know that I was a survivor.
I needed to know that I was in control of me.
I needed to know that the past could no longer harm me if I didn't let it.
I needed to know that I could no longer hold onto the pain that others had inflicted on me because in doing so I was causing pain to others!
People that truly, truly loved me.

I needed to see that I am great just being me
Me, a mother, friend, confidante, and most of all unique because I am me
And that obviously there was something that people saw in me that I didn't see in myself- strength.

I needed to find me and be content with me
So I could finally open up and finally see
That love was always meant for me
Because love is what has empowered me
It has been my driving force all this time
Because its only through Gods love that I have survived.

I needed to fall to my lowest point
To rise and see what I was capable of
To allow my heart to fully love
To love and give my all to another
Another that will love and give their all to me
Because that is what I truly need
The blessing of finding that One for me
And for me to love wholeheartedly.

I need not fear love but fear the thought of not ever experiencing how blessed love can be.

My Man

My man will love me

just as much if not more than I love him.
My man will wake up in the morning thinking of me

and go to bed longing to be my side.
My man will make me a priority,

next in line to God and his children.
My man will love his mother deeply,

giving me the respect he knows I deserve. Treating me like a Queen

like the King his mother raised him to be.

My man will accept me for who I am

flaws and all.
My man will be my best friend

supporting me in everything I do

by my side through thick and thin.

My man will love my children

and treat them as his own

never forgetting our son who will eventually take his throne.

My man will be my provider

allowing me to be his helpmate like I was created to be.

My man will comfort me

when I'm sad or just depressed for no reason

and he will hold me tight when I cry and wipe away the past seasons.

My man will chase after me

because he never wants me to run too far away

My man will protect me at all cost

because he wants me to know I am safe with him

My man will not be afraid to cry or express his emotions

because he knows that is one quality I adore

and he never fears that I will make him feel less of a man for doing so.

My man will fight for me

because he knows that I will do the same for him.

My man will be able to give in to his pride

if he feels for a moment he is about to lose me

and do everything he can to keep me.

My man will listen to me

and believe the words that come forth from my mouth

because he knows that he is not only my best friend

but I will never lie to him even if it hurts.

My man will romance me

with poems and roses, and romantic nights by candlelight.
My man will enjoy the thickness of my thighs,

the heaviness of my breasts,

and my long legs wrapped around his waist.
My man will be a freak,

creating pornographic images

climaxing as we make love.
My man will kiss me with such passion

that I can't help but fall into his arms

taking me away to our secret getaway, of peace and tranquility.
My man will want to make me smile

every second of the day,

joking with me through LOLs

and telling me he loves me with 143s.

He can't help but want to be near me as he's making me blush.

My man will give me reasons to trust him

by not doing too much when he hangs with the boys

or entertaining those chicks who offer their pussy like toys.
My man will always court me

keeping me on my toes,

making sure we grow stronger each and every day

while together we rebuke all the devils away.
My man will see me as his partner,

not just a woman to abuse.

He will always take his head

and guide so I won't mind being lead.
My man will love me

From the curls on my head

to the freckles of my face

down to my toes

satisfied with me and only me.

He will guard and safeguard my heart

and cherish it like his own

and he will appreciate the woman I am

on the inside and love me to the bone.
My man will love me just as much if not more than I love him

for he is proud to be my man and I am all this to him.





I can't think

While my mind is racing

As to what to do when it comes to me and you


Feeling as if I should run after you

But fearing that you will reject me to my face

Casting the final blow to my heart

That is already broken in two


Trying to understand why you left

Without a complete explanation or

A trace of your emotions to give me a clue

Waiting and worrying about you

While you were running away from me into the arms of another


Trying to figure out why

I wasn't good enough

Why you couldn't see who and what I am today

Cursing my past and banishing my future


Opening myself up to scrutiny and judgment

Vulnerable and fully exposed to you

Letting you question everything I thought I already expressed to you

Wanting to give you more

Show you more

Be more so you could finally see

That you are all I truly wanted. You were the One for me.


All the effort

All the self-evaluation

All the things I did and promised and vowed to be for you

Tossed aside, disregarded, meaning nothing.

Just like my heartfelt proposal to be all I can

All you said you needed and wanted from me

Not missing any detail that you requested of me


Pride crushed for allowing myself to be so open

Only to suffer over and over again

Taking each verbal punishment with courage

Knowing I had already paid for everything I did to hurt you

Still wanting to prove myself worthy of your love

Because I knew and thought I deserved it

But it wasn't enough for you to really forgive

Not acknowledging that indeed you hurt me too


Months of planning

Days of compromising

All leads to this moment when you silently walked away

When in my eyes that all led to something more than this

More than you just abandoning all that we just spoke about

Or at least the chance I thought we both deserved

To meet face to face

And confirm what we thought could or should be or won't be


In one instant

I realize that you weren't in love with me anymore

Couldn't let go and just let me love you

Unable to forgive the mistakes I myself could admit to

And all you said you needed and wanted

You didn't really need and want from  and with me


Not sure how to look forward

Remembering yesterday

When you told me you loved me

Yet your gone without a trace

Leaving me confused and frustrated


Feeling vulnerable

Not able to trust my own feelings

Never wanting to trust another with my heart

In a stand still

Unable to fully grasp the magnitude of this reality you forced me into


Unwilling to accept my fate

Holding on to our love

Letting go of the hopes

Trying not to completely lose faith in love

But unable to trust my heart

Because my heart lied when it told me that Love would overcome

And your words that I always trusted

Spoke untruths about wanting to come to me

Even if it was the last time


Holding on to the memories

Not ready to let go

Knowing someday I will have to finally say bye

Not imagining I would ever have to when it comes to you

I don't want to

Not ever thinking I would have to




Unable to feel anything

But the violent beating of my heart

Praying to the Gods to take me from this intimate hell

As I silently ask for forgiveness for wanting to give up on the one thing He commanded us to do





As reality sets in that its over


Your gone

Moving on to something you feel is better

Not realizing how bad this hurts me

And knowing you don't care how this will affect me

How permanently damaging this could be

To both you and I

Not giving Us the chance we so much needed

As you cowardly cease to exist in my life

Taking my heart with you

Leaving me exposed, open to the elements







Tuesday, September 3, 2013

In Your Name

Who would have thought

That after all the tears and pain

I would fall completely in love one day

Forgetting the way I used to


Run away

And disbelieve loves power

And today I can finally say

I'm in love

In love with the thought of being in love

Was how I used to be

But could never truly love

Because I didn't fully love myself

But I learned

Through trial and error

What true love was

When you forgave me

For all my mistakes

And all the pain I caused others

Because I myself was lost

And you loved me anyway

My God


What a loving God you are

To keep protecting me

Holding me close to your thoughts

And your heart

Guiding me when I thought I was blind

Leading me when I had no clear path to take

Holding my hand every step of the way

When I thought I was alone in this world


I woke up one day and looked around me

And saw the glory of your creation

The light that shines brightly through my window

The many acts of kindness imperfect people do in your name


O Jehovah

You have been there all the time

And I love you

Love you for never giving up on me

As others have

Never leaving my side

As other will continue to do

Always letting me know you're here

By waking me up every morning

And letting me know you are the epitome of love

When I look into my children's faces


You gave them to me

O God

You blessed me with two beautiful people

To love the way you loved me

When the doctors said I would never have children of my own

And even when I took you for granted

And I'm sure I will again

You have still kept me strong


Healing from the abuse I suffered

Surviving the rapes I endured

Mending my broken heart every time it gets broken

Shining your abundant act of forgiveness on me


I realize that no love is greater than yours

And that in you

I can find the love I have been searching for

O God hear my pain

Take away my fears

Show me the way

Hold me tight when I am alone at night

Answer my prayers even if I don't know what to ask for

Bring only positive people in my life from this day forward

And help me choose more wisely

The roads I should take


In your name

I pray that I will continue to have your favor

Jehovah you are the only True God

The Most High

The perfect example of love

We can't ever begin to imagine

In Jesus' name I turn my heart over to you



In A Daze

In a daze

Questioning everything you have said to me

Wondering what's true

And what's not

Imagining if maybe I was just hearing things

Not knowing if I can trust anything anymore


In a daze confused

Not knowing whether to cry or scream

Be angry or mad

Feeling karmas sick joke

As this nauseating feeling

Settles in my stomach

And I can feel my heartbeat

Slowing down

Causing a pain in my chest

Opening up old scars

Hurt, tired, frustrated and

Above all else

Desperately trying to erase everything I just heard you say to her


In a daze I'm wondering

If she makes you smile like me

Does she make love to you all night

Does she want to be your wife and love you more than me

Is she the One to make you get over me

Or is this just someone passing by

To make you wake up and see

That it's really me


In a daze I can hear you say I love you

I can feel your hands on my face

I can smell the scent of your cologne

I can even see your handsome face clearly

But it's all mangled up in that

Conversation I over heard

That didn't mention anything about me


In a daze I am trying to hold on to my sanity

Not wither away in grief

Not drown in tears

Not fall asleep for eternity

Not completely lose my cool

And go the fuck off

Yelling and screaming and cursing and vandalizing

Everything I hold dear- my love for you


In a daze

I'm clueless for the first time

At what I want to do when it comes to you

Do I stop calling you

Do I stop texting you

Do I stop thinking about you

Do I stop wanting you

Do I stop trusting you

Do I simply just let go

And try to stop loving you


I'll never stop doing what comes naturally to me- loving you


In a daze I can't help but pray

That God will finally show me the way

Lead me in the right direction

So I can follow my heart

But wasn't I doing that already

Waiting patiently for you


In a daze I am surrounded by love

Mixed with hurt and pain

Fear and mistrust

And in the midst of it

Is me and you

In two separate worlds wanting the same thing- true love


In a daze I know that it has nothing to do with her

And everything to do with me

Trying to hold on to what I thought should be forever

But still healing from what I know was my fault

Losing you in the first place

Finally coming into my own

But maybe too late


In a daze I still know it's certain

I'm in love with you

And even if what I heard was true

Because my ears and your words were crystal clear

I know that I am the One

That is meant to have happiness

Even if it's not with you

Though I promised to give anything

To be with you


In a daze

I'm waiting patiently for your guilty call

Already finding reasons to forgive your well-crafted lies

Though I heard everything you said to her

I still want to believe

In you

In us

In everything we just talked about

Last week

You and me