Sabotage. Sometimes out of fear we hold back, withdraw, stumble, or take advantage of the love someone has for us because we don't know what to do with their good love. We get so used to being hurt by the bad love people profess to us, that when the real thing comes along, we don't know how to accept it or recognize it for what it is. That has happened to me more than once. I was so scared of being hurt that fear caused me to sabotage my own relationship before the relationship did. My fears blinded me to feel like the good was too good to be true so I did me preparing myself for the pain that I knew would come, but not realizing that if I didn't sabotage my OWN situation the pain may have never come! All this occurred because of FEAR of my past, my pain, and not being able to trust that love is not supposed to hurt! It took for me to see true love walk away from me, literally, that it took my breath away to feel how devastatingly painful it is to love someone so much and they be scared to love YOU to the point that they sabotaged your relationship to a level you never imagined. Karma mixed with reality check is a muthafucker! But guess what, I got it. I saw what I had been doing all these years in the name of Fear. I made immediate changes, stopped blaming my past, took responsibility for my mistakes and choices, and told myself never ever to let go of true love again and sabotage my OWN happiness! Good morning all!
Wednesday, November 13, 2013
Falling in love. Settle down. What the heck does that mean? I don't want to fall in love. I want to wake up to love. Jump for love. Walk in love. Get high on love. Marvel in the beauty of love. I don't want to fall. Falling hurts! It usually happens because your afraid, clumsy, or.running away from something bad. I don't want to fall. I want to run straight to it and embrace it between my bosom so it can hear my heart beat!
I definitely don't want to settle down... That is the most ridiculous phrase ever! When you settle, your taking what you can get it, not exactly what you want. You settle for a house more affordable. You settle for a car with less perks. You settle for a different job so you can maintain your household. But why should you settle when it comes to your hearts peace, joy, security and happiness? You shouldn't. instead of saying I'm ready to settle down, say "I'm ready to find the One for me." Never settle because the One will live in a one bedroom cottage driving scooters to your $10 per hour job with you and you will love every minute of it!
Wednesday, November 6, 2013
So I've been asked repeatedly this month, "where you been" at places I used to frequent and groups I used to belong to and my response has been, healing. but then yesterday at lunch I spent most of my lunch time talking about my ex fiancée... and they let me. When I finished they asked "are you done" and I couldn't help but laugh! How could you have been healing when you haven't let go, I asked myself?
And my answer to that is this: I was healing mentally and spiritually for my own sanity but I was only putting bandages on my heart delaying my process of healing emotionally because I was still holding on to the "hope" he kept feeding me and not the truth he.was showing me, repeatedly...over and over again. I wasn't used to anyone not wanting me and certainly not a man I had loved for most of my life who had helped shape me into the woman I am now. He raised me from a girl to a woman and I'm thankful for that.
So last night, I remembered something someone always used to say to me "don't say goodbye because goodbye means forever." Last night I said goodbye. I thanked him for loving me all these years, molding me, caring for me, being patient with me, giving me chances over and over again and helping me realize my faults, my actions, and where I needed to improve myself as a mate. I confessed my undying love for him and then I said "Goodbye."
Not goodbye to him, because I will never turn him away if he needed me, but goodbye to the pain he has caused me and won't acknowledge, the hurt of losing our forever we planned, the dreams and the hopes only reserved for him, the support I've been wanting that I really only wanted from him, but need, from someone who truly supports me wholeheartedly, and the holding pattern I've been in for 13 months now not letting anyone else in.
Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye.
I smiled when I said It- not forever to being in love but forever to holding back another second and bandaging my heart. Its time to start healing emotionally so I can become whole again. Its not enough to heal your mind and spirit if your heart is still broken. All of the possessions I held onto are now sealed away in a pretty box with a red bow..... Morning everyone.
Tuesday, November 5, 2013
I have made every provision to make sure my kids are taken care of and have the support they need while I'm dealing with my health, but people don't understand that I have no one taking care of me when I get home. No one to lay on, cry on, cuddle with, throw up with, get warm with, ache with, scream and let my frustrations out with. No one taking care of my emotional, mental and physical needs. Its okay to get an occasional phone call, text, or check in but their not frequent enough to cover having someone in your presence. Hell I hardly hear from the people I call my friends and claim they love me during all this. Their lives are too busy, yet I'm ALWAYS there for everyone else. It's not about wanting a mate. It's not about needing a mate. It's about missing, wanting and needing that One mate that will be my rock and support me while I'm in need and even when I'm not. It's not easy coming home sick everyday, tired and taking care of everyone else and no one here to take care of me. If you can't understand that, it's because you haven't gone through this alone. If you think I'm whining, needy, or bitchin all the time, then go through what I am, AFTER you delete me, and then tell the world you understand. Don't judge me, because I realize I can't do this alone, no matter how strong and independent I've been all my life. It's okay for me to want someone by my side to make life a little bit easier. Now I have much respect for my mom caring for my dad all these years. He is.blessed to have her there by his side. God made a woman to be by her mates side as he provides for her. I'm Gods creation. Did you forget you are too? Have a great day people!