Sunday, December 22, 2013

A Week Later

A week later and my mind is numb
My body is yet fully aware of what happened last week
No longer cloudy
Understanding of what happened

No longer denying the feeling
The overwhelming emotion that comes with admission
Realizing the effects of what took place

Unable to move
Caught in a trance
More like a nightmare of invasions, deceit and murder
Leaving a wake of fear and doom

Trying to break free
I indulge in liquid courage mixed with herbal persuasion
Only to find a piece of the rock to tame the demons inside

Not feeling like myself
I look in the mirror
Only to see someone else I don't recognize, understand or care to know
I metaphorsis into something else
Masking the old
Feeling my wings behind me trying to take flight but can't quite leave the ground

I'm weighed down by uncertainty
Feeling lost in my own mind
My body giving me reminders of what happened just last week
When my unconscious mind was awakened to reality
Of betrayal, hurt, victimization
And yet...

I don't feel like the same person I was then
Seven days later and I'm meeting someone new
Someone shy, naive, awkward
Nothing I'm used to...

Not knowing how to react
I look around
Seeing things like I've never envisioned them before
Hearing words that I can finally comprehend
Feeling each hair on the back of my neck as the wind whispers by me
Appreciating the beauty that surrounds me

Inside I'm seven days old
Evolving inside my chrysalis
While outside my body is molting, renewing itself
Becoming something totally different

I wonder what I'll look like a week from now...

Sunday, December 8, 2013


What is he doing to me
Making me want him although he has warned me to stay away
He is my addiction, my mystery, my must have
He is the one I want even though
He has told me without certainty reasons to walk away

I can't explain it
This feeling of thirst that keeps me wanting more
Looking for what he has promised wasn't there
Needing to beat down the walls
That surround us not willing to give up

I don't know what to do
But expose myself to him
Let him see what is right before his eyes
Show how strong my love can be for the both of us
While holding on to my sanity keeping me from completely giving up

I can't let him hurt me
Tho he has
He warned me not to ask for too much
But I can't resist the intensity of what we share in each others eyes
The wanting, the needing, the escape from our busy lives
For a moment that is peaceful and refreshing
Trying not to let him get the best of me each time he tries to show what his mind doesn't want me to see

I'm in it
Diving into a mass of fear and insecurity
Seeing me not too long ago
In his words not validated by his actions
But he warned me
Told me not to expect too much
As he looks at me penetrating all my filters and defenses
As I turn away to run but letting him hold me back

I don't know what to think
As he makes love to me
Makes me his with each stroke
Not realizing that with each thrust, he is giving me a part of him more significant then the walls around him
Because he whispers what his heart won't scream out
He wants me, filling me up, needing to be in my warmth and surrounded by the comfort of how I feel around him

All I can do is wait
Heed his warning and tread lightly as not to scare him away
Show him how safe my love could be
If he would just stop fighting
Let it happen as naturally as it did the first time we met
Without a need to warn me
But being just who he is capable to be
The man that tells me why I should walk away but has given me more than enough reason stay

I got it
I've been forewarned...

Thursday, November 14, 2013


Sabotage. Sometimes out of fear we hold back, withdraw, stumble, or take advantage of the love someone has for us because we don't know what to do with their good love. We get so used to being hurt by the bad love people profess to us, that when the real thing comes along, we don't know how to accept it or recognize it for what it is. That has happened to me more than once. I was so scared of being hurt that fear caused me to sabotage my own relationship before the relationship did. My fears blinded me to feel like the good was too good to be true so I did me preparing myself for the pain that I knew would come, but not realizing that if I didn't sabotage my OWN situation the pain may have never come! All this occurred because of FEAR of my past, my pain, and not being able to trust that love is not supposed to hurt! It took for me to see true love walk away from me, literally, that it took my breath away to feel how devastatingly painful it is to love someone so much and they be scared to love YOU to the point that they sabotaged your relationship to a level you never imagined. Karma mixed with reality check is a muthafucker! But guess what, I got it. I saw what I had been doing all these years in the name of Fear. I made immediate changes, stopped blaming my past, took responsibility for my mistakes and choices, and told myself never ever to let go of true love again and sabotage my OWN happiness! Good morning all!

Wednesday, November 13, 2013

Settle down? Fall in love? Why?

Falling in love. Settle down. What the heck does that mean? I don't want to fall in love. I want to wake up to love. Jump for love. Walk in love. Get high on love. Marvel in the beauty of love. I don't want to fall. Falling hurts! It usually happens because your afraid, clumsy, or.running away from something bad. I don't want to fall. I want to run straight to it and embrace it between my bosom so it can hear my heart beat!
I definitely don't want to settle down... That is the most ridiculous phrase ever! When you settle, your taking what you can get it, not exactly what you want. You settle for a house more affordable. You settle for a car with less perks. You settle for a different job so you can maintain your household. But why should you settle when it comes to your hearts peace, joy, security and happiness? You shouldn't. instead of saying I'm ready to settle down, say "I'm ready to find the One for me." Never settle because the One will live in a one  bedroom cottage driving scooters to your $10 per hour job with you and you will love every minute of it!

Wednesday, November 6, 2013

Healing Whole

So I've been asked repeatedly this month, "where you been" at places I used to frequent and groups I used to belong to and my response has been, healing. but then yesterday at lunch I spent most of my lunch time talking about my ex fiancée... and they let me. When I finished they asked "are you done" and I couldn't help but laugh! How could you have been healing when you haven't let go, I asked myself?
And my answer to that is this: I was healing mentally and spiritually for my own sanity but I was only putting bandages on my heart delaying my process of healing emotionally because I was still holding on to the "hope" he kept feeding me and not the truth he.was showing me, repeatedly...over and over again. I wasn't used to anyone not wanting me and certainly not a man I had loved for most of my life who had helped shape me into the woman I am now. He raised me from a girl to a woman and I'm thankful for that.
So last night, I remembered something someone always used to say to me "don't say goodbye because goodbye means forever." Last night I said goodbye. I thanked him for loving me all these years, molding me, caring for me, being patient with me, giving me chances over and over again and helping me realize my faults, my actions, and where I needed to improve myself as a mate. I confessed my undying love for him and then I said "Goodbye."
Not goodbye to him, because I will never turn him away if he needed me, but goodbye to the pain he has caused me and won't acknowledge, the hurt of losing our forever we planned, the dreams and the hopes only reserved for him, the support I've been wanting that I really only wanted from him, but need, from someone who truly supports me wholeheartedly, and the holding pattern I've been in for 13 months now not letting anyone else in.
Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye.
I smiled when I said It- not forever to being in love but forever to holding back another second and bandaging my heart. Its time to start healing emotionally so I can become whole again. Its not enough to heal your mind and spirit if your heart is still broken.  All of the possessions I held onto are now sealed away in a pretty box with a red bow..... Morning everyone.

Tuesday, November 5, 2013


I have made every provision to make sure my kids are taken care of and have the support they need while I'm dealing with my health, but people don't understand that I have no one taking care of me when I get home. No one to lay on, cry on, cuddle with, throw up with, get warm with, ache with, scream and let my frustrations out with. No one taking care of my emotional, mental and physical needs. Its okay to get an occasional phone call, text, or check in but their not frequent enough to cover having someone in your presence. Hell I hardly hear from the people I call my friends and claim they love me during all this. Their lives are too busy, yet I'm ALWAYS there for everyone else.  It's not about wanting a mate. It's not about needing a mate. It's about missing, wanting and needing that One mate that will be my rock and support me while I'm in need and even when I'm not.  It's not easy coming home sick everyday, tired and taking care of everyone else and no one here to take care of me. If you can't understand that, it's because you haven't gone through this alone. If you think I'm whining, needy, or bitchin all the time, then go through what I am, AFTER you delete me, and then tell the world you understand. Don't judge me, because I realize I can't do this alone, no matter how strong and independent I've been all my life. It's okay for me to want someone by my side to make life a little bit easier. Now I have much respect for my mom caring for my dad all these years. He is.blessed to have her there by his side.  God made a woman to be by her mates side as he provides for her. I'm Gods creation. Did you forget you are too? Have a great day people!

Wednesday, October 30, 2013

Check This

I see you over there
checking me out
Your fine, sophisticated
and what I've been talking about
You like me
I like you
Now what we gonna do
I'm feeling you
Your feeling me
So what we gonna do

Check it
I don't have time for games
Or wasting my time on playas
I'm a real chick
And what I have to offer
is made only for lovers

So let me know what you want
and I'll tell you what I need
Then we can get up and talk
And figure out where this leads

We been watching each other for a while
But we can't seem to get it together
But I'm tired of all this silence
Because I'm looking for my forever

So what you trying to do
Don't talk about it, be a about it
I know what I'm tryin to do
I'm trying to be about you

Court me
Romance me
Show me what I'll get in you
I'll spoil you
Seduce you
and show you my heart too

I'm tired of this back and forth
I know you are too
I'm worth it
Your worth it
So its up to me and you

I'm waiting for my King
Because I know that I'm a Queen
So bring yourself to me
So we can fulfill our destiny

Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Passion to Me

I want to feel the passion of love again
The way it feels to desire someone and only them
A feeling of immense pleasure whenever their around
I want to feel the way a woman should when her baby enters the room
Making me forget everyone around me
I want to feel the moment when my heart skips a beat and I become breathless when you look at me
I want to feel the gentleness of your hand caressing my face
The sweet taste of your lips meeting mine
I want to feel the chills down my spine as you place your hand at the small of my back
I want to feel the passion of knowing you are waiting for me as I step off the plane
I want to feel that nervousness in my belly when I know you have to leave
I want to feel those silly butterflies that flutter around when I see your face pop up on my phone
I want to blush everytime you say my name
I want to feel the passion I felt the first moment I saw you
and I want to feel that sickening feeling I get when I know our visit is coming to an end
I want to feel all the wonderful emotions that come with being in love with someone who genuinely loves me back.
I want to feel more than I've ever felt before
I want to feel the anticipation of knowing we have a future together
I want to feel the confidence of knowing that we are going to be okay
I want to feel the depth of his love for me in his actions AND his words
I want to feel all this passion between my thighs as I wrap my legs around you making us one
I want to feel the romance in your tongue as you kiss me so deeply that I fall deeper in love with you.
I want to feel a climax so strong that you have to carry me back from Paradise.
I want to feel that passion of your embrace as you hold me close to you making me feel safe and warm.
I want to feel the presence of you growing inside me everyday validating what we have for all to see.
I want this passion more than a one night stand or a date with a rich man.
I want to feel everything that encompasses what I've always imagined love can be.
I want to feel what being in love really means to me.
I just want to feel what he once did for me.

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

With Each Day

With each day that passes

I can feel a piece of my heart slipping away

Holding on desperately to what my heart feels it needs

Ignoring what my mind is screaming out to me

Waiting, begging you to stay around

Not leaving me behind

But with each day that passes

I can feel my heart slipping away

Going into a distant corner

Hiding, waiting, patiently pacing

Back and forth

While you go on with your life

Not missing or needing me

Like I am for you

While each day passes

Taking me further and further away

From my dreams, my hopes, my everything


With each day that passes

I can't believe it came to this

Everything you asked me

I gave to you and yet it wasn't enough

My best wasn't enough! and yet

I gave my all while waiting for you

The days, months turning into a year

With each day that passed

My hope was renewed time and time again

Only to be shattered by your coldness

And disappearing acts

Your broken promises and everything

I had to keep holding on

Only to come to this moment right now

Where with each day that passes

I'm losing a little bit of me

While waiting for you to return the love

I have inside for you and you claimed you had for me too


With each day that passes

I look in the mirror constantly

Wondering if I'm not beautiful enough

Sexy enough

Smart enough

Healed enough

Remorseful enough

Paid enough for all you say I did to make you this way

Yet with each day that has passed

I have spent all of it

Trying to be a better woman for me

So that I can be a better woman to you

Like you asked of me

But with each day that passes

My efforts are rejected

My mission is cast aside

My courage is being tested

As you find excuses to walk away again and again

Knowing our hearts beat to the same song

Or so I mesmerized it to ring so

As each day passes with us being wasted


With each day that passes

I am feeling more and more hurt

Even more I can feel the pain

Deep down inside

Tearing me a part

Paralyzing me in a mental state of hysteria

Engulfing me in flames

Taking me away from reality

Making my insides erode from worry

As I keep dreaming of the day

When you will finally say

"I love you and want to stay"

Yet with each day that passes

That I don't hear your voice

And don't get any response from you

I am dying inside

Heart broken by fates cruel joke

As each day passes I can't help but fight

Knowing that I didn't get to this place

For it not to be right

But with each day that passes

I'm wondering more and more

If all this is a lesson

and I'm supposed to survive this

Until I'm lovesick,


and poor


Not one day can pass

Without me wanting to love you

But I'm coming to the conclusion

That you will never stop running from it too

My heart is giving in

Ready to run and hide

Never peeking out for fear

That you won't be there

As each day passes

you're becoming more of an illusion to me

A knight on a white horse

That my mother promised me didn't exist

A prince that will never kiss me awake

An angel with misery as its duty

With each day I'm losing my dreams

And waking up to nightmares

With you as the subject of my decent to oblivion


With each day I'm trying to hold on






Fighting a war that seems never to end

Because you can't trust anyone

Not even your own heart

To let me love you

Like you always wanted me to

Because with each day that has passed

You are making me suffer

The man's scorn of a broken heart unmended

And with each day

I pay the price of a woman in love

Who is trying to win your heart

With everything in me

Though it's tearing me apart


Yet I am still here

Praying for you

Asking God to forgive you and heal you

Because I've forgiven you too

Every moment I hear your voice

And see your face

Promising me you want me forever

Asking me to wait while you mend

As each day passes

I'm asking for some sign that you and I are worth fighting for

Only to keep running into your wall of silence

Trying to beat it down with each pump of my heart

With each dose of love potion

With everything inside me that wants to hold on

To this great love I can't seem to let go



With each day that passes

I can see my life flash before me

Losing my heart to anger and sorrow

Stress and regrets

Becoming bitter and resentful

And with each day that passes

I painfully wither in defeat

Slowly losing me

While waiting for you

While I try to hold on as the days pass me by

To what's left- my soul, my dreams, my hopes, my everything

While still waiting for you








Wednesday, October 2, 2013


You’re inspiring to me
Your smile alone touches me
Your words bring out the best in me
With you I can feel something deep within me

You’re inspirational like a warm fall day
Filled with beautiful colors and the
fall of old leaves making a path for a new way
Your inspiration is like the sunset over a vast ocean
with only the past as a cast away
You light up my life
like the moonlight after a winter storm
You calm me,
inspiring everything natural to me

You inspire me through your actions
The way you comfort my soul
Motivate my mind
Stimulate my heart
Embracing everything about me
spiritually as you pray for me

You are the reason why I am inspired
For you have brought simplicity to my chaos
Meaning to my confusion
A soundboard to my depression and
provided me a refuge from my own worst enemy

You have given me a way
to channel all that inspires me
By supporting my goals
Helping me help you reach yours
Planning a future of
peace and blessings and
something to look forward to

Your inspiration has gave me
a song to remember
A sway in my hips
A rhythm to blush at
when I think of your baritone
singing a melody so sweet
that I can't help but catch the Love Jones

You inspire me to write
Expressing my emotions
Realize my feelings
Validate what you do to me
each time I think of you

Yet you inspire me
simply to be me entirely
inside and out
You inspire me
to take life one moment at a time
without any doubts
You inspire me
to wake up in the morning and
Look forward to seeing you again
You inspire me.
You inspire me!
You inspire Me!

Thursday, September 26, 2013

Something in My Gut

I'm feeling something in my gut

That's telling me it's not okay

This nauseating, queasy feeling

That's saying you're not doing or wanting what you say

It's making me question everything

I thought and felt and knew

And wanted to believe

And it's making me feel as if I'm missing something I should have taken heed


See you say you want to love me

But I know you love someone else too

You say you want to be with me

But your attention says you don't have time to

You say that you want this to work

But you're hardly putting in the time

You say you want us to get back together

But yet you're hesitating to be mine


Now I understand we've done this

Back and forth for years

But there is one thing that has changed

And that is, I no longer have any fears

I'm trying and I'm giving

All you wanted back then and more

But for some reason I can't seem to find what

Our future has in store

Even more

 I can't feel if you're really willing to give me more


I can't ignore this feeling

That something just isn't right

I refuse to sit down and let go or stop this much deserved fight

However, I need a sign or something

That all this effort is for not

Because this feeling I'm having right now

Is more than just in my gut


It's tearing me a part

Making me anxious and even scared

Because I've never been in this position

And this feeling to be quite frank is rare

Giving my all and wanting only you

But I know that this is the moment of truth

When we finally come together

To see if our love can survive any type of weather


The pressure is mounting

The anticipation is killing me

Because for once I clearly know

What my heart wants for me

Even my mind is in agreement

That this is my hearts true destiny


Tho I can't help but wonder

If I'm too late to finally be yours

When you're giving me this feeling

That I'm not the one you still adore

For even you said things have changed

And I agree because I'm sure

That things this time are different

Because I love you more than ever before


Yes, the tables have turned

And I'm the one longing and waiting for you

So I can't ignore this feeling

That there is something missing or askew


I'm hoping it's just me

And the butterflies are stirring

And all that I am feeling

Is just my paranoia at its best

But it's something

Something there

That I can't quite figure out

Yet time will tell if it's me and you

That this feeling is all about


Maybe it's just me being excited

About this moment I've been waiting for so long

The moment that we finally see

If this love is really meant to be


Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Waking Up

Waking up in the morning

Feeling great

Knowing that my mind has taken a break

From pain, hurt and stress

Giving my heart the relief it needed and more


I am happy in love

And loving every moment of loving you

Knowing that with me, there is a you too

Wanting and needing me

Just as much as I want and need you


Feeling something so amazing

That it's completely taken me for a ride

Exhilarating, fantastic

Full of amazement and joy

Just knowing that I am at this point finally

Where I can give my all fully

With no reservations or baggage

But true love completely


Anticipating the day I see you

Longing to taste your lips

Feel your touch

And tell you how very much I love you

While missing you

Waiting for the day when I will see you again

Not wanting a day to go by ever again

That I can't see your smiling face

And appreciate this beautiful space

We have found ourselves back in


Hoping that this is it

This is where our lives begin

Finally together again

Giving you my all

Making you my number one

Waiting for you to simply come

To share in this feeling I know

Has a chance at forever


Wanting to assure you

And help you trust and believe

That this right here

Right now is true

And it's all about me and you


Praying that you will see

And open your heart completely

Knowing that I will cherish and protect your heart

At all cost

Never leaving or forsaking you again

Not wanting to ever feel the pain

Of losing you ever again


Earth shattering

Too much to bear

A feeling that was rare to me

But woke me up so I could clearly see


Having to take responsibility for the past

And placing the burden on me for what is yet to come

Knowing I have something to prove

But respecting

That with each day I love you

You will trust me more and more

And that our love is meant to be

Confirming what we always knew

Rejuvenating and close to being brand new


Refreshing and sweet

This feeling is complete



Faith in something so grand

That even I am amazed at the power of it

Only possible through you and me


Waking up this morning

Feeling alive and in love

Waiting to see your face again

Knowing all will be okay

My heart finally knowing and trusting

In true love

The true love you have for me

And the love I found within

Finally found

Making me open up to feel this right now

Loving you completely

Waiting to see you again

Forever by my side



Monday, September 16, 2013

To Be in Love

How can u not be in love with the thought of being in love
When you have these types of feelings
That make you blush and giggle like a schoolgirl
Have long conversations at night about the future
Laugh at all the craziness you have been through
Reminisce about the good and the bad times
Flirt with each other about what your going to do with each other the next time you see one another

How can you not want to be in love when you think about the trials and the tribulations you've been through and the two of you are still standing
Loving each other like their is no tomorrow
Still smiling at the sound of each other's names
Happily planning your future together
Wanting to grow old together

How can you not marvel at the wonders of being in love
When everything beautiful reminds you of them
The songs of sweet romance bring a moment you shared with them to the forefront of your mind
You can't wait to here the melody of their voice ringing in your ear
And just the way they say "yea baby" makes you twirl like a ballerina

How can you not want to live happily ever after in love
When you can imagine them old and grey holding your hand
Enjoying the better part of your days with them by your side
Raising your children and having your own family one day
Kissing them as if you never stopped being attracted to them

How can you vow to not believe in love
When we are an example of what true love is
We are the reason why others have faith
We are the example of how true love can conquer all and that the strength of our love could be enough
We are the way we both believed in our hearts we can be
And we are and will continue to be
In love
Loving each other eternally

Wednesday, September 11, 2013

I Needed

I needed to stop running
Running away from the thought of loving someone and being hurt
Opening up my closet and revealing all my secrets
Secrets that haunted and followed me everywhere I went

I needed to let go
Let go of the pain my father caused me
Let go of the young boys who took my virginity raping me of my innocence
Innocence long gone and never recovered

I needed to open up to the possibility
The possibility that maybe, just maybe I deserved love
Love that would protect and guide me
Guide me by example not by abuse and power

I needed someone to take my hand
Take my hand and show me what love was really about
Assure me that not all love was surrounded by doubt

I needed something powerful
Something so powerful to make me understand that without love, I'm not complete
Not complete or able to fully enjoy life's possibilities

I needed to forgive
Forgive those that hurt me, used me, bruised me and tried to control me
Controlling my mind and forgetting my heart
My heart that so needed to be handled with care and tended to like a precious jewel

I needed to stop using my body as a tool or a way to please others
Others that didn't care less past the front door because they didn't respect me
Like I didn't respect myself
Thinking that sex was a deposit for the reward I was looking for, love

I needed to be forgiven
Forgiven for all my mistakes
Mistakes I regret over and over again
Again because most don't understand the meaning of forgiveness
Saying they forgive but throwing daggers every chance they get
I only asked for forgiveness that was sincere and true

I needed to feel fear
Fear not of being hurt
But fear of not ever experiencing the kind of love I read about
Fear that I might miss out on something so beautiful
Something so genuine
Something so obviously meant for me
That if I didn't let go of the past
Then I would miss out on my future, missing the chance at love completely

I needed to feel what it is like to be in love
In love with someone who sincerely is in love with me
In love with my mind, my heart, my soul
My soul and not what they thought they could control, manipulate and replace

I needed to throw away my old ways
My old thoughts
My old selfishness
Selfishness labeled by others
Because they couldn't understand why I couldn't just be satisfied with them by seeking others
Not knowing that thru others I learned to hide my fear of giving my heart to only one
The One that might hurt and desert me like many before

I needed to look in the mirror and see my reflection
A reflection I wasn't proud of
A reflection that was longing to have someone I could surrender to
To be able to just let them love me the way I desperately needed but scared to do for myself

I needed to learn to love myself
I needed to know that I was a survivor.
I needed to know that I was in control of me.
I needed to know that the past could no longer harm me if I didn't let it.
I needed to know that I could no longer hold onto the pain that others had inflicted on me because in doing so I was causing pain to others!
People that truly, truly loved me.

I needed to see that I am great just being me
Me, a mother, friend, confidante, and most of all unique because I am me
And that obviously there was something that people saw in me that I didn't see in myself- strength.

I needed to find me and be content with me
So I could finally open up and finally see
That love was always meant for me
Because love is what has empowered me
It has been my driving force all this time
Because its only through Gods love that I have survived.

I needed to fall to my lowest point
To rise and see what I was capable of
To allow my heart to fully love
To love and give my all to another
Another that will love and give their all to me
Because that is what I truly need
The blessing of finding that One for me
And for me to love wholeheartedly.

I need not fear love but fear the thought of not ever experiencing how blessed love can be.

My Man

My man will love me

just as much if not more than I love him.
My man will wake up in the morning thinking of me

and go to bed longing to be my side.
My man will make me a priority,

next in line to God and his children.
My man will love his mother deeply,

giving me the respect he knows I deserve. Treating me like a Queen

like the King his mother raised him to be.

My man will accept me for who I am

flaws and all.
My man will be my best friend

supporting me in everything I do

by my side through thick and thin.

My man will love my children

and treat them as his own

never forgetting our son who will eventually take his throne.

My man will be my provider

allowing me to be his helpmate like I was created to be.

My man will comfort me

when I'm sad or just depressed for no reason

and he will hold me tight when I cry and wipe away the past seasons.

My man will chase after me

because he never wants me to run too far away

My man will protect me at all cost

because he wants me to know I am safe with him

My man will not be afraid to cry or express his emotions

because he knows that is one quality I adore

and he never fears that I will make him feel less of a man for doing so.

My man will fight for me

because he knows that I will do the same for him.

My man will be able to give in to his pride

if he feels for a moment he is about to lose me

and do everything he can to keep me.

My man will listen to me

and believe the words that come forth from my mouth

because he knows that he is not only my best friend

but I will never lie to him even if it hurts.

My man will romance me

with poems and roses, and romantic nights by candlelight.
My man will enjoy the thickness of my thighs,

the heaviness of my breasts,

and my long legs wrapped around his waist.
My man will be a freak,

creating pornographic images

climaxing as we make love.
My man will kiss me with such passion

that I can't help but fall into his arms

taking me away to our secret getaway, of peace and tranquility.
My man will want to make me smile

every second of the day,

joking with me through LOLs

and telling me he loves me with 143s.

He can't help but want to be near me as he's making me blush.

My man will give me reasons to trust him

by not doing too much when he hangs with the boys

or entertaining those chicks who offer their pussy like toys.
My man will always court me

keeping me on my toes,

making sure we grow stronger each and every day

while together we rebuke all the devils away.
My man will see me as his partner,

not just a woman to abuse.

He will always take his head

and guide so I won't mind being lead.
My man will love me

From the curls on my head

to the freckles of my face

down to my toes

satisfied with me and only me.

He will guard and safeguard my heart

and cherish it like his own

and he will appreciate the woman I am

on the inside and love me to the bone.
My man will love me just as much if not more than I love him

for he is proud to be my man and I am all this to him.





I can't think

While my mind is racing

As to what to do when it comes to me and you


Feeling as if I should run after you

But fearing that you will reject me to my face

Casting the final blow to my heart

That is already broken in two


Trying to understand why you left

Without a complete explanation or

A trace of your emotions to give me a clue

Waiting and worrying about you

While you were running away from me into the arms of another


Trying to figure out why

I wasn't good enough

Why you couldn't see who and what I am today

Cursing my past and banishing my future


Opening myself up to scrutiny and judgment

Vulnerable and fully exposed to you

Letting you question everything I thought I already expressed to you

Wanting to give you more

Show you more

Be more so you could finally see

That you are all I truly wanted. You were the One for me.


All the effort

All the self-evaluation

All the things I did and promised and vowed to be for you

Tossed aside, disregarded, meaning nothing.

Just like my heartfelt proposal to be all I can

All you said you needed and wanted from me

Not missing any detail that you requested of me


Pride crushed for allowing myself to be so open

Only to suffer over and over again

Taking each verbal punishment with courage

Knowing I had already paid for everything I did to hurt you

Still wanting to prove myself worthy of your love

Because I knew and thought I deserved it

But it wasn't enough for you to really forgive

Not acknowledging that indeed you hurt me too


Months of planning

Days of compromising

All leads to this moment when you silently walked away

When in my eyes that all led to something more than this

More than you just abandoning all that we just spoke about

Or at least the chance I thought we both deserved

To meet face to face

And confirm what we thought could or should be or won't be


In one instant

I realize that you weren't in love with me anymore

Couldn't let go and just let me love you

Unable to forgive the mistakes I myself could admit to

And all you said you needed and wanted

You didn't really need and want from  and with me


Not sure how to look forward

Remembering yesterday

When you told me you loved me

Yet your gone without a trace

Leaving me confused and frustrated


Feeling vulnerable

Not able to trust my own feelings

Never wanting to trust another with my heart

In a stand still

Unable to fully grasp the magnitude of this reality you forced me into


Unwilling to accept my fate

Holding on to our love

Letting go of the hopes

Trying not to completely lose faith in love

But unable to trust my heart

Because my heart lied when it told me that Love would overcome

And your words that I always trusted

Spoke untruths about wanting to come to me

Even if it was the last time


Holding on to the memories

Not ready to let go

Knowing someday I will have to finally say bye

Not imagining I would ever have to when it comes to you

I don't want to

Not ever thinking I would have to




Unable to feel anything

But the violent beating of my heart

Praying to the Gods to take me from this intimate hell

As I silently ask for forgiveness for wanting to give up on the one thing He commanded us to do





As reality sets in that its over


Your gone

Moving on to something you feel is better

Not realizing how bad this hurts me

And knowing you don't care how this will affect me

How permanently damaging this could be

To both you and I

Not giving Us the chance we so much needed

As you cowardly cease to exist in my life

Taking my heart with you

Leaving me exposed, open to the elements