Wednesday, November 6, 2013

Healing Whole

So I've been asked repeatedly this month, "where you been" at places I used to frequent and groups I used to belong to and my response has been, healing. but then yesterday at lunch I spent most of my lunch time talking about my ex fiancée... and they let me. When I finished they asked "are you done" and I couldn't help but laugh! How could you have been healing when you haven't let go, I asked myself?
And my answer to that is this: I was healing mentally and spiritually for my own sanity but I was only putting bandages on my heart delaying my process of healing emotionally because I was still holding on to the "hope" he kept feeding me and not the truth he.was showing me, repeatedly...over and over again. I wasn't used to anyone not wanting me and certainly not a man I had loved for most of my life who had helped shape me into the woman I am now. He raised me from a girl to a woman and I'm thankful for that.
So last night, I remembered something someone always used to say to me "don't say goodbye because goodbye means forever." Last night I said goodbye. I thanked him for loving me all these years, molding me, caring for me, being patient with me, giving me chances over and over again and helping me realize my faults, my actions, and where I needed to improve myself as a mate. I confessed my undying love for him and then I said "Goodbye."
Not goodbye to him, because I will never turn him away if he needed me, but goodbye to the pain he has caused me and won't acknowledge, the hurt of losing our forever we planned, the dreams and the hopes only reserved for him, the support I've been wanting that I really only wanted from him, but need, from someone who truly supports me wholeheartedly, and the holding pattern I've been in for 13 months now not letting anyone else in.
Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye.
I smiled when I said It- not forever to being in love but forever to holding back another second and bandaging my heart. Its time to start healing emotionally so I can become whole again. Its not enough to heal your mind and spirit if your heart is still broken.  All of the possessions I held onto are now sealed away in a pretty box with a red bow..... Morning everyone.

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