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Sunday, December 30, 2012

Countdown- 1 more day

Its one more day until New Years and I have a feeling for the first time in as long as I can remember I will be alone for New Years.
I am usually looking forward to spending it with family and friends but this year... I guess I'm ending it in a moment of solitude and clarity and whatever comes with the changes that have been occurring in my life all year.
1 more day for a new year with new expectations.

Are you ready?

Friday, December 28, 2012

Countdown continues- 4 more days!

Thankfully the New Year is coming and I am feeling optimistic and excited about it.
I have been talking a lot about my feelings, wants, desires and just laying a lot out on the table and being ME. So far so good but part of me feels like I may be setting myself up for upset. I hope not.

I am thankful for the support system I have now and even though their is one person who isn't where I necessarily want them to be in my life, I am grateful that they are still in my life. We have been through a lot and just knowing they are around is a comfort, always.

I was talking to someone the other day about New Years Resolutions and they felt as if resolutions were "lies" or an upset...potential failure or waste of time but I feel different. I feel with every new beginning, like a new year, you have to have goals and something to look forward to and part of change is looking within yourself at things you may be able to change within yourself and your surroundings, environments, choices and so much more. Whether its for New Years or for a new day, always have a goal and something to look forward to. Isn't that the point of living?

Happy New Year!

Thursday, December 27, 2012

Countdown to 2013- 5 days left- whoops!

I don't know what I was thinking about yesterday with my 4 days left but that just lets you know how anxious I am to start a new year and hopefully a new year full of hope, faith and love! 
I am surprisingly in a good mood today after talking to my doctor and my forever friend, Andre. I also had a good convo with the twins father.

Before 2012 ends I encourage all of my female friends to schedule a mammogram and do regular breast exams monthly. For my birthday I am trying to set up a donation fund for the year for my friends and family to contribute to the fight against breast cancer.  In every low their is a high and if I can help improve the quality of the next, I will. I hope you will join me in doing so.

What are some causes you have been passionate about and fought for?

Wednesday, December 26, 2012

Countdown to New Years- 4 more days!

I am so thankful for getting through another year. The last two years have been absolutely the worst consecutive years for me on a romantic level. Falling in love, falling out of relationships, heartache, pain, disappointment...
But on another level, my babies are growing up and I am so proud of them.
I am looking forward to continuing my transformation and having a new lease on life. I'm optimistic that what I am ailed with now will come to pass because I am constantly looking up for help and guidance.

My friendships have been strengthened this year with Sherr and even stronger bond with Jay (my brother), Lisa Bowman, Melissa Robinson, and Shalitia Hall and I reconnected with Lisa Brewster and the love of my life Andre and my best friend, Nikki Freshour, who passed Thanksgiving day. I am so grateful I was able to see her before she passed. I also gained a great friend in her husband, CW and my new big country friend, Kenneth Burns...lol! I have also let go of some people who were not good forces in my life and I am confident that my decision to let go of those people was a good one, especially now.

I have a few resolutions for this upcoming year: stop smoking cigars, get engaged, if not married (lol), work on my physical and mental health, draw closer to Jehovah, take the twins on a real vacation, and travel somewhere new! I accomplished one of my biggest resolutions for 2012- not allowing unnecessary drama or people get me down!

What are your 2013 New Years resolutions? Please share with your reply.





Three Holidays- 2 down, 1 more to go

I am not a holiday person but I recognize the significance of spending it with people you love. Thanksgiving and Xmas have finally gone with dread because I didn't spend it with him. Now New Years is coming and I still won't be with the man I love.
Did I really deserve this aching feeling and when will it end?

Friday, December 21, 2012

Dear Diary- The End

I just realized that tomorrow I was supposed to go pick up my fiancee so that we could spend our 1st New Years in 10 years together.
Maybe the end really is here like the Mayans predicted.
I'm trying to have faith in love but right now the only thing I have faith in is the air I breathe every moment of the day.
I'm trying not to be heart broken over this loss but how can I not when I dreamed about marrying this man most of my life?
Now its the end of a life with me for him. It's a tragedy that he can't see the blessing in me.
As I think about my health and what I'm going through I'm thankful for two people outside of my kids, SM and KB, that are their for me right now. What would I do without the support of people who truly love me?
I hope I can go in the New Year with my heart less heavy.

The End may be here...

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Drunk with Emotion


Drunk with Emotion

It’s unfortunate that we are at an impasse
All I can see, hear and feel is you
Engulfing my senses, my heart and my mind
I’m at a standstill as I reach for my wineglass

I’m drunk with emotions
I’m feeling hazy and my mind is clouded
By images of you and how my heart clearly feels
I’m lost and I’m still going through the motions
Trying to understand where you lost your devotion

I’m falling quickly as my mind takes hold
Of the impairment I’m inflicted with
And the way this feels inside
And my heartache screams loud and bold
 As my ears start ringing and I lose control

My words keep slurring
Because my mouth can’t relate what my heart feels
And my body can’t move because it doesn’t
Know how to move or deal
With the pain that comes when I think of us

My stomach is queasy and I’m nauseated
Wanting to vomit every word I can’t say
And every feeling I can’t express
And every move I can’t seem to calculate

I’m drunk with this feeling of guilt
As I look in the mirror
And question who I am
Because all I ever wanted to do
Was be a better woman for you

 It’s obvious that no matter
How intoxicated I am
I can see clearly what you can’t see
A better woman and a good wife to be

I’m measuring my love
As I exhale and breathe
It’s too much to share
 But I just can’t leave

I’m drunk with emotions
It’s unfortunate we’re here
The consequences are dire
And the effects are near

Arrested in mind
And penalized by time
I hold on to the thought
That I must have just been blind

Fear takes hold
As I think of the possibilities
Of loving again until the end
Not knowing just when
My feelings for you will ever go
Because in my heart my love will still flow

I’m drunk with emotions
And my sober mind starts to reel
As I look for a way
To wonder how not to feel

I lay my drink down
As I wallow in my pain
I try to get up but my strength I can’t gain

I’m still drunk with emotions
I can feel it so deep
No wonder I can’t stop
Or get any sleep




© copyright 2012-12-19 16:38:08 - All Rights Reserved












Kem- Why Would You Stay lyrics

Another favorite: 


There's a light shining on you. 
And baby I'm trembling inside. 
Loved a woman that I barely knew, 
I must've been outta mind. 

Ohhh I 
I ll never hurt you again 
Girl I 
I know you deserve a better man 
Hey I 
I was a fool to ever let you down 
So why would you stay? 

Woman I beg your forgiveness 
And I'll do whatever it takes 
And may the Lord be my witness 
Honey I never meant to treat you this way 
Sugar your heart has been broken 
But I could still see true love shine in your eyes 
When every word has been spoken 
Woman I'll love you for the rest of my life 

Ohhh I 
I ll never hurt you again 
Girl I 
I know you deserve a better man 
Hey I 
I was a fool to ever let you down 
So why would you stay? 

Oh baby 
Don't know why, why you would stay 
Baby 
Baby 
You're my baby 
Hey girl 

Yeahhhh I 
I ll never hurt you again 
Girl I 
I know you deserve a better man 
Girl IIIIIIIIIII 
I was a fool to ever let you down 
But I want you to staaaaay 
Girl I 
I'll never hurt you again 
Baby 
I know you deserve a better man 
Girl I 
Girl I 
I was a fool to ever let you down 
But I want yooooou... to stay.



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iK0pgd0k5js

Kem- I Can't Stop Loving You lyrics

One of my favorites from Kem


I think about the day I met the perfect strangerI think about usAnd I think about the day I got wrapped around your fingerI think about us
The sun was shining on youThe Lord was smiling on meAnd love was calling usI had my mind made up
I can't stop loving youI can't help myselfAnd I can't get over youNo matter what I tell myself, baby
Never thought I'd ever love anyone else, in my weaknessI think about usAnd I think about the day you left without speakingI think about us
I think about the love we had for our childrenI think about us, yeahI think about the way we laughed without a reasonI think about us girl, hey yeah
There will be no more liesSomebody tell me why I feel like I'm dyingLord, what's come over me?Baby can't you see that
I can't stop loving you(I can't stop loving you girl)I can't help myself(Yeah)
And I can't get over you(I can't get over you baby)No matter what I tell myself baby(No matter what I, no matter what I tell myself, babe)
I can't stop loving you girl(I can't stop loving you girl, stop loving you girl)No matter how hard I try, yeah(No matter how hard I try)
And I can't get over you(And I can't get over you babe)And I don't know why
I think about us, I think about usI think about us, I think about usI think about us, I think about usI think about us
Babe, I can't get over you, hey yeah, think aboutGirl, what am I gonna do, mmm babe?I think about the love we hadI think about the way you laughed
Mmm girl, hey I can't get over youI can't stop kissing you babeI can't stop wanting you babeI can't stop loving you girl, yeah
I can't get over youI can't stop missing you girlI can't stop feeling you girlI can't stop thinking about youI can't stop dreaming about youI can't stop loving you girl


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vGbJ2V1Gat4

Never Again

So two people encouraged me to reach out to my ex fiancee and tell him what is going on with me, healthwise and against my better judgement, because I know how he is, I did.
He hasn't responded, he is sending my calls straight to voicemail and straight ignoring me which I already knew he would do.
I don't know why I put myself through the rejection all over again especially at a time like this.
People aren't like me. Even when I am angry, sad, disappointed, or "done" with a person I always have an open door when they are in trouble, hurting, or need someone to talk to, even when others say I shouldn't. I'm not gullible, I just have a good heart. It has been a weapon of misery but it has also been one of the reasons why people have been in my life for so long and respect me as a friend and person.
Not everyone is like me. So why is it that I am the one that always get someone's ass to kiss when I need their support the most?

O well..."never again" I say to myself...but I know that's not true. I'm too loving and too forgiving to just turn someone away who truly is reaching out.


Dear Diary-.Super Emotional

This year has been an emotional whirlwind romantically and physically. Today I go for a biopsy and I got no rest last night. My spirits are low and I'm feeling pretty melancholy.
I'm hoping that everyone has a good day. Say your prayers because we all could use his intervention. I know I do more then anything else right now.
Super emotional.

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

How You Gonna Act Like That lyrics- Tyrese

I hate when songs make me cry... well this one did it for the day...


It seems like just the other day that we hooked up(I was drivin', you was walkin' and I swooped you up)From that moment on I knew you were the one, yeah(I was single, you was lonely and we fell in love)
We would sit and talk for hours about anything(Baby, you hung up, no, you hung up, on three hung up)I bought your whip, I paid your rent, I gave you everything(Said you'd always be my baby then you bounce)How you gonna
How you gonna up and leave me now?How you gonna act like that?How you gonna change it up, we just finished makin' upHow you gonna act like that?
How you gonna act like we don't be makin' loveYou know we be tearin' it up, breakin' stuff, that ghetto loveHow you gonna trip, how could you forget?How you gonna act like that?
Girl, I never thought that lovin' you would hurt(I did everything a good man would to make it work)Girl, you should have told me you had second thoughts(Like before I put the down on the house we bought)
Now I'm thinkin' you and me was a mistake(But then it hits me and I'm missin' all the love we made)Girl, I know that we've been goin' through some things, yeah(But the sun is somewhere shinin' even when it rains, oh)
I'll be the one you kick it toI'll be the one that misses youI'll be the one to ease your painI'll be the one you want again
And you'll be the one I can't forgetYou'll be the one that's heaven sentYou'll be the one I can't denyYou'll be the one that makes me cry, baby
How you gonna up and leave me now?(Why you do?)How you gonna act like that?(Why you gotta act like that?)
How you gonna change it up, we just finished makin' up(Whoa, ho, baby)How you gonna act like that(But I need you)
How you gonna act like we don't be makin' love(Oh, whoa, baby, baby)You know we be tearin' it up, breakin' stuff that ghetto loveHow you gonna trip, how could you forget?How you gonna act like that?
You know I'm willin' to do anythingJust to keep you in my heart(Keep you in my heart)I messed around and gave up everything
I thought we'd never part(Yes, I did, baby)I was a player and I made the choice to give my heart to youAnd I gotta keep it that way, ooh, baby
How you gonna up and leave me now?(Ooh, baby)How you gonna act like that?(Why you gotta treat me this way?)
How you gonna change it up?(Why you treat me wrong?)We just finished makin' upHow you gonna act like that?(Can me somebody tell me why)
How you gonna act like we don't be makin' love(Why? Why? Hey)You know we be tearin' it up, breakin' stuff that ghetto love(Oh, oh, baby)
How you gonna trip?(All my friends became your friends)How can you forget?(All my ends became your ends)How you gonna act like that?
Keepin' it ghetto(All I want is you, how you gonna act like that?)Keepin' it ghetto(All I needed is you, how you gonna act like that?)
Keepin' it ghetto(All I needed is you)(You know we be tearin' it up, breakin' stuff, that ghetto love)Keepin' it ghetto(All I need is you, all I need is you, babe)
How you gonna up and leave me now?How you gonna act like that?How you gonna change it up, we just finished makin' upHow you gonna act like that?
How you gonna act like we don't be makin' loveYou know we be tearin' it up, breakin' stuff, that ghetto loveHow you gonna trip, how could you forget?How you gonna act like that?



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wTQpYk7hXoc

Nobody Knows It- The Tony Rich Project (lyrics)

Feeling this song right now...



Wish I'd told her how I felt, 
then maybe she'd be here right now, but Instead

I pretended I'm glad you went away
These four walls closing more everyday
And I'm dyin' inside
And nobody knows it but me

Like a clown I put on a show
The pain is real even if nobody knows
And I'm cryin' inside
And nobody knows it but me

Why didn't I say, the things I needed to say
How could I let my angel get away
Now my world is just a tumblin' down


I can say it so clearly, but you're nowhere around
The nights are lonely, the days are so sad
And I just keep thinkin' about the love that we had
And I'm missin' you
And nobody knows it but me

I carry a smile when I'm broken in two
And I'm nobody without someone like you
I'm tremblin' inside
And nobody knows it but me

I lie awake it's a quarter past three
I'm screamin' at night if I thought you'd hear me
Yeah, my heart is callin' you
And nobody knows it but me

How blue can I get, you could ask my heart
But like a jigsaw puzzle it's been torn all apart
A million words couldn't say just how I feel
A million years from now you know I'll be lovin' you still

The nights are lonely the days are so sad
And I just keep thinkin' about the love that we had
And I'm missin' you
And nobody knows it but me

Yeah, Ohh, uhh, whoa, omom

Nobo.. nobo..nobody but me

Tomorrow morning I'm hittin' the dusty road
Gonna find you where ever, ever you might go
And I'm gonna unload my heart
And hope you come back to me


Yeah, sad when the nights are lonely
The nights are lonely, the days are so sad
And I just keep thinkin' about the love that we had
And I'm missin' you
And nobody knows it but me


sad when the nights are lonely
The nights are lonely, the days are so sad
And I just keep thinkin' about the love that we had
And I'm missin' you
And nobody knows it but me

sad when the nights are lonely
The nights are lonely, the days are so sad
And I just keep thinkin' about the love that we had
And I'm missin' you
And nobody knows it but me


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W7EyUY3-Wrg