Tuesday, November 25, 2014

Define it

It rots away at you
Like an old painting
Losing its luster and quality slowly over years

Pain is like
the color of black scarlet roses
Wilting in the sunlight
for everyone to see
It's beautiful to some
But hideous in the eyes of those who were hypnotized by its uniqueness

Pain is like
A child who eats at their flesh
Everytime their father
drunkingly beats them

Pain is like
milk souring In the attic
Festering, stinking stench
rising like the heat

Pain is like
the bullets that run the projects
Hitting not one but two children
With no witnesses

Pain is like
This aching in your spine that
Pierces you in places
You can't even reach

Pain is like
A woman being violated over and over again
By her tormenter

Pain is like
A virgin giving her heart and soul
To a pedophile
Never knowing what it means to be protected

Pain is like
That quick realization
That your father
won't live pass a week
The first man that taught you what kind of daddy he could be

Pain is like
That feeling you get
When something isn't right
and you do it anyway
And then after you can only blame yourself because you could have stopped it

Pain is like
That day you went to take a step
And fell down a flight of stairs breaking every bone
In your body
and you can feel each break

Pain is like
That time you fell in love
With someone who was gorgeous
And compassionate and
Loving and one day
You find out that you met
Jeckyl not Clyde, his representative

Pain is like
this never ending cluster
Of fucked up feelings
That you can never seem to reconcile
Because something else fucked up happens

And then one day
Pain is over
And your life is over

Still Here

Standing still
Seeing the time pass me by
Waiting on a change
Waiting on something new
Looking at my phone
Checking my Facebook

Seeing the time
Tick tock
Tick tock
Not seeing headlights coming home
No ones coming

Waiting on a change
Voicing my feelings
Expressing myself as best I can
He's hearing me
But not listening
How long am I supposed to wait?

Waiting on something new
Hoping that it will click
In his mind
What he's done wrong
While I'm checking myself
In the mirror
Willing to change myself
If need be

Looking at my phone
It's about that time
Tick tock
Tick tock
Holding back from
Taking the first step
Why should I
When I'm not the one
Who stumbled off track
Ding dong

Checking my Facebook
It's business as usual
Post about Michael Brown
Post about our Mayor for Life
Post about injustices in every ones lives
Scroll down
Nothing out of the ordinary

Not one thing to do
But wait
Have faith
Believe that if it's meant to be it will be
At least that's what they say...

Standing still
Seeing the time getting later
Waiting for a sign
Waiting on what could still be
Looking at my phone less
Writing in my blog
Something is better then just
Sitting here...

Sunday, November 23, 2014

Missing Thoughts

Missing him
But scared to reach out
Afraid he'll make it into
Something it's not

Missing him
but hurt at this change of events
Turning my clock back
One two three
More years

Missing him
But afraid to tell him
exactly how I feel
For fear that he'll reject me
By turning my words inside and out

Missing him
But too forewarned to think
I want him to want me
Like I want him
So I wait to see who
Will take the first move

Missing him
But wishing that
Something will click and
He'll realize what's missing and
Admit that it's me

Missing him
But refusing to show him
How weak I really am
That he is the source
of everything in me

Missing him
But distant
Because he's hurt my passion
And romance
By not appreciating
My efforts and gestures of love
Instead he made it into
That I didn't possibly dream of

Missing him
But running before I fall all to pieces
Because i never really got it
Or was able to embrace the love
He promised to me

Missing him
But scared to reach out to my love
For fear that he'll ruin me
When all I wanted was him
Completely and to fall
Deep in love

Wednesday, November 19, 2014

Rescue Me

Rescue me
Take me away from this moment right here
Where I can't breathe
Feel anything but your presence

Rescue me
Help me understand why
You won't come for me
Why you can't see that I love you

Rescue me
Take my hand and lead me away
From this hell I'm in
Protect me and reassure me
That this is all in my mind

Rescue me
Make me understand
That despite your harsh words
You're sorry and
Never meant to hurt me

Rescue me
Keep me from giving up
Keep me from completely giving up
On love
Take my hand and wrap me in your arms

Rescue me
Show me exactly what I mean to you
Let me hear the sincerity in your voice
See morning hellos you never failed to send
Let me know that you're missing me as much as I'm needing you

Rescue me from the ones
You said would set out to destroy us
The ones you said you don't give a fuck about
Those haters you said would never change your love for me
Those ones you said You would protect me from

Rescue me
Like you did months ago
When you told me
I had to open up
I had to allow myself to love again

Or rescue me
From the pain
Of you playing me for a fool
Like all the others before you
By telling me the truth
Destroying everything you taught me to believe in again

Rescue me from pain
Or rescue me from never loving again
As much as I loved you
Rescue me like you know you can
And did before

Rescue me from a lifetime without you
Or a deathwish of never wanting to love again
Rescue me

My blame

Floating around
Pacing back and forth
Unsure of what to do next

Stuck in oblivion
Afraid to go forward
Worried I won't be able to pick up the pieces
Scared I won't want to mend my broken heart

Easier to let go
Then be hurt anymore
Can't stop the pain
Wanting to just give up
Not knowing what the future holds

Grasping for air
Between tears and screams
Not knowing why
Or understanding how to get pass this

Pissed for trusting someone
The last One with my heart

Can't sleep
Can't see
Can't hear

Waiting for his call
Checking my phone for his text
Wondering if I'm the only one whose hurting and wanting things to be better

Watching him go on
Like its nothing
Forgetting all about me
In an instant

Questioning everything he said
I wonder if he meant any of the words spoken
Any of the sweetness he barely uttered
Any of the promises
Any of the plans I looked forward to

Looking back
Knowing I'm missing something
Not registering
Just pacing back and forth
Feeling foolish by myself
Wanting it all to be over

I don't understand
As the tears begin to fall again
I'm slipping away
Inside myself
Wishing it all to be
A lonely nightmare

I'm floating
Never to be seen again
Not wanting to want or love again
Blaming me for loving again

Tuesday, November 18, 2014


Laying here wondering
How did I go wrong
I did all the right things
I opened up my heart
I listened to his needs
I tried to please him every way I could
I tried to fulfill his fantasies
I brought him to ones I loved
I trusted him to protect me
I kneeled in servitude at his feet
I considered him in all I did
I welcomed his children as my own
I let him guide me through the storm
I held his hand when I needed help
I loved him unconditionally
I surrendered my whole heart
I fell in love with who I thought was worthy to be my King

Yet I wanted more
I wanted romance
I wanted affection
I wanted him to only want me
I wanted him to crave me, taste me, desire just me
I wanted him to bring me in his circle of trust
Show me off to the world
Make me his number one priority next to his offspring
Acknowledge his love to me to all who could see
Prove what he taught me when I was too scared to let him love me
Exhault me to his Queen like I protected his kingship inside my heart

But as I lay here I see my mistakes
I tried to hard
I had too many expectations
I wanted perfection
I expected that he could love like me
I didn't realize that no one could love as hard and deep as me
Because my heart has suffered a many blows
Survived many tragedies
Has risen above more than most my age have seen
Has been broken and mended by God so many times through so much pain

Yet this One.
This last One I chose to trust my heart to again
Was the One that built it up.
Deciphered all my weaknesses
Made me weak and hungry to do it right
For once
This One made me want to prove my demons wrong
Make my enemies bend down
Make me want to live free of all the pain of the past
Bringing me to where I am now

Laying here missing him already
Loving him completely
Wanting only him
Despite the fact that he didn't meet all my desires but he succeeded in what I never thought I could ever do
Love completely.

Could Possibly Still Be

I give up
Trying to grasp for straws
Make him understand
Losing patience
Lost control
Couldn't understand why he couldn't see
Couldn't understand how deep my love could be

Wanting to give it all
To someone who could not see
How deep and intense this love could really be

Trying to school me
But lost in his own lessons
I'm trying
Drowning in anguish
Crying for more
Wishing I could make him see
While I'm drowning waiting for this love that could be

Preaching to me
But still a student himself
Letting others persuade
Casting doubt
Wanting a lifestyle better than us
Not realizing my life rested with us

Can hardly breath
Wanting nothing more than what could possibly be

Pride and fear
A horrible combination
Mixed with greed and selfishness
Two deadly persuasions
I'm left to drown
Can't catch myself
Looking up for my him to catch me
But see him over there fishing
Already for something small
In replace of me
So quickly dismissed of what could possibly be

Can't take no more
My heart is broken
Never to want to feel such emotions
Wishing it away
But knowing it will never be
Because I fell in love with what he made me trust it could be

Fighting alone
Wanting a future more than just this
Asking for more than just what's on the surface
Did he lie when he said I only love you
Or did he lie when he said I want my future with you
Or did he lie when he said it's just me against them
Or did he lie when he said I want you to be my wife

In the end
It couldn't possibly be what I thought it was for me
Because I'm crushed and mourning
While your laughing and lusting
Disrespecting and cussing
Taking all of my love with you where it can't possibly be

Broken promises
Sweet nothing's
Tomorrow gone just like that
For speaking up for what I needed
To step reluctantly in your shoes
Cost me everything I thought it could be
A way for him to finally see
That my love for him is endless
Desperate and ravenous
Punishable by default
Submissive if needed
Unconditional and long suffering
Yet one moment of reality
Made him open up his eyes
And feel what made me so angry
Enough to retaliate with injustice
Tearing my heart to pieces
Losing what I thought could possibly be
The greatest love I ever felt yet...

To be continued...