Thursday, November 29, 2012

Quotes about Heartbreak

Some of my favorites:

There are things that we don't want to happen but have to accept, things we don't want to know but have to learn, and people we can't live without but have to let go.
-- Author Unknown

Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live.
-- Norman Cousins

Real loss only occurs when you lose something that you love more than yourself.
-- Anonymous

The weirdest thing happened the other morning...I woke up with tears in my eyes...and one rolling down my cheek...and I knew I must have been dreaming of you again.
-- Author Unknown (been feeling this way for days now)

When love is lost, do not bow your head in sadness; instead keep your head up high and gaze into heaven for that is where your broken heart has been sent to heal.
-- Author Unknown

When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.
-- Alexander Graham Bell

When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.
-- Kahlil Gibran

Giving up doesn't always mean you are weak; sometimes it means that you are strong enough to let go.
-- Author Unknown

If we must part forever,
Give me but one kind word to think upon,
And please myself with, while my heart's breaking.
-- Thomas Otway (I said something similar to this weeks ago)

Let no one who loves be unhappy... even love unreturned has its rainbow.
-- James Matthew Barrie (hmm)

More here,

I Pray- Amanda Perez lyrics

You know with each day that passes by, I pray to god I'll never forget who you are.
You mean everything to me.
I love you

Ooooh Ooooh 
Ooh I pray

You were in my dream
Before I even knew that there was a you and me,
Now I can't wait to see your smile,
When I wake up each day,
It makes it worth while
With the kinda love you plant inside, 
Specially with a heart so empty as mine.
All your soft tenderness is the one thing that I don't wanna miss.

I pray,
When it's time for me to say goodbye
I'll never forget looking in your eyes,
I pray,
That I feel your touch 
And that God doesn't forget our love,
I pray,
When I close my eyes,
I can still see visions of you on my mind.
I pray,
That I see you in another life,
I pray that you still by my side.
Oh I pray.

Everything that you give to me,
Only comes in a fantasy,
It seems like life goes by so fast,
But in this time I wanna make it last. (I pray)
I hate that we live to die,
But only God knows why (I pray)
We all have a purpose, 
And to see you again it'll be worth it.


[Slow rap:]
I wish that I could stop time,
I wish that I could rewind,
To the very begining of every second of my life.
To ask God on my hands and knees,
To never let me forget all my special memories.
See I'm only promised today,
And if it's my time to go,
I don't want the love of my life to ever fade away,
So one last time
Let me open my eyes.
To see what my life used to be like.
Oh God.I pray,
When it's time for me to say goodbye
I'll never forget looking in your eyes,
I pray,
That I feel your touch 
And that God doesn't forget our love,
I pray,
When I close my eyes,
I can still see visions of you on my mind.
I pray,
That I see you in another life,
I pray that you still by my side.
Oh I pray.


I woke up again this morning feeling...
I also realized that you, you and You are gone
Leaving me here all alone
To wallow in my own pain and misery

I looked around my home and saw...
I can't sleep at night alone in my bed
Its all too big and I feel lonely instead
I'm missing You, you and you

I walked to the mirror and all I could see...
I can feel your lips on mine
and I can see the clock ticking counting time
I wish I could just touch you once more

I am getting dressed but I don't fee like...
The only thing I want to do is see your face again
I am wishing on a cloud hoping and praying
But you aren't may never be the way I need you to be

I can see my future and it looks so...
All our plans and all the years are gone
Washed away with the current
Still holding on to what should have been

I can see you everytime I close my eyes and you are...
Your done with me, disappointed and running away
I can't stop you no matter how much I pass your way
you can't see me anymore- even my shadows are faint.

I sit down and pray for the chance to...
I need to believe in love
and the power that it holds
I need to believe in us and what we shared

I am no good with out You and Us
I need you here with me
I'm missing you so much
for without you there is no love to trust

I did wake up just to be...
Waiting for you call to hear your voice
Buying the time until I can see your face
Needing to be close, feeling your embrace

I woke up this morning wanting...
Waiting on you to come back
Wondering how I failed so much
feeling like a new person inside out

I finally made myself a promise...
To get it right for not just you
To take hold of my meaning and vowing to be true
To be free from pain and always feeling blue

I know now what I need to...
its all clear now and yet I always knew
you did that for me and so did she
I get it now. Its all on me.

© copyright 2012-11-29 12:20:54 - All Rights Reserved

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

I'm home too

We are laying my best friend to rest today. I tried to be strong and go to work today but I couldn't. I broke down before I could even get out the car.
I realized that He isn't here and I'm alone to deal on my own. Out side of my children I have no one to call my own. I have never felt so alone in my life.
I miss you Nikki. You were my Sunshine.

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Dear Diary- Grieving triple time

My best friend Nicole Freshour, died suddenly Thanksgiving night. I miss her so much. Even though we did not talk regularly, I knew she loved me and she knew I loved her. She was such a sweet down to earth beautiful woman inside and out.
In her passing, I embraced my friendships with people I had  thought I lost and forgave others who hurt me but I know love me just the same. I also looked at myself in the mirror and admitted my faults and saw clearly who I was and what I needed to do to make my life better, easier, manageable and happier. It started with honesty and then began my mission to heal completely. I thought that after 15 years of therapy I was the woman I thought I was supposed to be and even though I have healed from my rapes and the abuse and violence I have endured, I hadn't completely healed ME. I realize that the reason why I am not happily married is because a part of me is scared to love (because every person I have loved in the past has hurt me in some way or another and in ways no one child/woman should endure) and give into love completely no matter how close it is staring me in my face.
Not too long ago I talked about forgiveness and accusations and feeling betrayed, but the whole time I wasn't forgiving myself, the accusations were true (to some degree) and I betrayed myself and most importantly someone who has loved me for most of my life. I have also hurt others in the past because I couldn't let myself completely give myself wholeheartedly to someone. I could give them my heart but I kept holding back my soul and all my emotions. I have passed up a lot of good potential mates in my life because I was always searching for more because I couldn't see that the happiness was right there smiling in front of me. 
I am so mad at myself right now for my actions these last two years and hurting two very important people to me, but even more I regret that I didn't see before my angels passing that I was the one stopping my happiness. I knew I deserved it and she told me I did but I couldn't just take a hold of it and completely let someone love me. It was scary and I didn't quite know how to embrace it and cherish it, until she left... 
Before she died she apologized to me for not always being there and pushing me away but yet she always loved me and I always knew she did. So why did she hurt me?
She also did the same thing to her husband- apologized for hurting him and not being the best wife she could be, but that she loved him and wanted to be with him. So why did she hurt him?
See one reason I loved her so much is because I saw a part of her in me.
Just like I saw a part of me in my other best friend (not anymore because of me). 
I have sabotaged everything real and loving in my own life. My mirror image of love began with deceit, pain, hurt, abuse, mistrust, disrespect and everything else and for 35 years I have been continuing that cycle with MYSELF!
I can't be happy because I don't know how! I've never had long periods of happiness because I get too scared to take a hold of it and just be loved! I sabotage it before I can really take hold of it and experience it and its so sad!  Now I have lost everything yet I gained me again. I have to repair my road to happiness for me, for my kids, for him, for Nikki. I have to be a good godmommy to her son and give him the love he will be missing from his mommy. I also have to get down and dirty and see why I keep running the opposite way of my happiness before I lose what is left of my heart.
Andre, I am so sorry that I hurt you and I hope one day you will be able to forgive me. You were a good man to me and you didn't deserve what I have put you through. I thought I had healed. In a way I did outside but inside I am still trying to figure out what being in love and being happy means. I prayed the last couple weeks that he would be here to help me figure this all out through counseling, self revelations, and sifting through the pile of shit I have accumulated.
I wish I had someone to take me by the hand to help me figure this out, someone patient and forgiving, someone who truly knew that I was a good woman inside just crying and pleading for help but the one person that waited so long to give me the happiness I deserved doesn't have the strength anymore to keep fighting for me.  I hurt him again and now I am here alone dealing with it. I am not the woman I was 7, 10, 15, or even 20 years ago but I am definitely not the woman I should be. That needs to change before I lose my opportunity again for the love I so desperately need. I love myself but I am still a work in progress and I couldn't say that 3 years ago.
I just pray that one day he will forgive me and I can thank him for loving me so deeply. 

Friday, November 23, 2012

Sleep tight angel...

Sleep Tight Angel

Hearing of your passing
hurt me to my core
I instantly saw your face
as I watched the angels soar

Your sweet words of love
rang faintly in my ears
as I remembered your promise to call me
 and you washed away my fears

I have loved you as my friend
for many, many years
I never thought I would lose you this way
I can't help but shed more tears

As I see your sweet son 
looking just as beautiful as you are
I see a promise of something wonderful
 that came straight from you

your husband loves you dearly
you were always his favorite girl
we will miss you sweet nikki
there is no one like you in this world

As we collect your silver ashes
and pray for you to rest
I can see a sleeping beauty
and know that we've been blessed

Your memory is golden
we will love you forever more
my best and truest friend
Nikki I'll love you to the end

Sleep tight angel.

© copyright 2012-11-27 14:27:29 - All Rights Reserved

Saturday, November 17, 2012

When I say...

When I say I'm giving up on loving you I'm not saying I don't love you any less.
I'm saying that I have to give more than just love. I have to give you my respect, my trust, my commitment, my honesty, my humility, my joy and my pain.
I'm saying that I understand the pain I have caused and the pain that you feel because I am feeling it too.
I'm saying that the thought of losing you is unimaginable but yet I understand why your heart can't take it. I am saying that Im begging for the chance to make it right but I understand if you can't stay. I'm saying that you hurt me too but that I forgive you, I do.

I'm saying that I don't want a life without you but without life I can't live in the memory of loving you.

I'm saying that I can walk away but I'm pleading for you to let me stay.
See what I'm really trying to say is that I'm not giving up on loving you, I'm giving up on the thought of loving you the way I did before. The way I loved you before wasn't good enough because it hurt you, bruised your ego and destroyed what we thought we had. I'm saying that I'm going to love you better, stronger, and deeper. I am going to love you like I never loved before. I'm going to love you like my whole future depends on it. I'm going to love you like you never imagined but always needed me to love you. I'm not giving up on loving you, I'm just giving up on how I loved you before- because I realize that Love is earned not given and Love is sacrifice not neglect. Love is long suffering not misleading. Love is forgiving not vengeful. Love is not just in me but it survives in You.
Love never gives up but its timeless.

I realize that in my heart I only have room to love You.

So with this I pray that even in our silence and even with the passing of the days I will be longing to love you.  I'm not giving up on loving you. I'm just allowing myself to give you the intimate love I never knew I had the capacity to have until now- if you let me. Let me love You the way you have loved Me...

No More

No More

No good morning kiss
No goodnight miss
No wonder im feeling so blue

No how are you beautiful
No I miss you baby
Im feeling some kind of way about us

No early morning calls
No late night chats
Im praying for one night with just you

No plans for a date
No calls to take
I wish I didn’t make those mistakes

No coming home to me
No visits in my dreams
Im definitely missing you now

No text messages to my phone
No emails to retrieve
Im feeling your distance even more

No time to chill
No weekend frills
I’m longing for your sweet tender touch

No trust between us
No ways to make up
Im regretting the day I hurt you

No future to plan
No wishes or hopes to share
I know I have to let you go now

No way to repair
No feelings left to share
Your love for me you can no longer bear

© copyright 2012-11-17 15:47:48 - All Rights Reserved

Thursday, November 15, 2012

Art of Noise: Moments in Love

you can't help but get engulfed in this song!

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Losing Life vs Losing Love

torn open.
insides gushing.
matter spitting out.
decaying waste.
organs shut down.
heart bleeding inside out.
the smell is rank.
the blood stops flowing.
pressure is weak.
pulse is irregular.
timing is short.
dismal fate.
lose of consciousness.
fading quickly.
breathing irratic.
body useless.
uncontrollable shaking.
dry tears.
flashing lights.
tunnel memories.
broken dreams.
ended futures.
life alert.

torn apart.
insides turned completely out.
matter of fact nothing.
decaying promises.
feelings shut down.
heart bleeding for one more chance.
the bullshit is rank.
the blood rushes to your head.
pressure is overwhelming.
pulse is in overdrive.
timing comes to a halt.
losing faith.
loss of trust.
fading dreams.
thinking irratic.
body lusting.
uncontrollable crying.
dry emotions.
flashing thoughts.
tunnel vision.
broken hearts.
ending drama.
reality check.

Dear Diary- What Goes Up Must Go Down!

I was on an emotional high the last couple days with hopes and dreams of being able to finally complete my happiness and then BOOM! it all got rocked over something so simple.

I spoke of forgiveness the other day and now I am speaking of repenting. When you repent of an action you not only forgive yourself, but you try your hardest not to repeat the wrong you did.
I FUCKED up! I did something that hurt someone I truly love and I am completely and totally aware that what I did was wrong but I also heard "I forgive you" and I thought that was the road to redemption. Man, was I wrong. When you TRULY forgive someone you do not continue to look at everything under a microscope to find fault or to find reasons to use the bad deed against the person. You truly allow yourself to see their efforts so that you can move on. Forgiveness tells the person at fault that you want to believe in them, you have faith in their power to repent and that you acknowledge that they are truly sorry for their actions. When you forgive someone you are also saying to yourself that you are willing to give the other person a honest chance and that you yourself have the capability to do so. If you can NOT give the person a honest chance and if you can NOT find it within yourself to be able to do so then you should move on, because in the end you not only hurt yourself but you also in turn hurt the other person even to the point of hate.

Repenting in the Bible allows for God to forgive your sins and wipe your slate clean in order to entrust his love and holy spirit into you. Humans must be able to do the same thing, when they claim forgiveness.

People have hurt me in my past, all my life but who hasn't been hurt. However, I know the power of forgiveness because I have been truly forgiven before. I also know that the power of forgiveness is also in forgiving yourself for your own wrong doings and sometimes even for your actions that played a part in the wrong doing.

I hate to say it but some people never learn what forgiving others means and thus forgiving themselves.
For many years I couldn't forgive myself for my actions because I felt I deserved the hand I was dealt and thus an excuse to do the things I was doing but until I looked deep within me and forgave others was I truly able to forgive myself and heal from the pain and disappointments.

I decided that I am going to go back to counseling because their are still some things I need to work on- doesn't everybody! I am mature enough and sane enough to know when I need some guidance. I also know that I need spiritual guidance as well to reach my full potential. I thought I was there but I know now I'm not quite there- yet.

Until next time...

Her Heart by Anthony Hamilton lyrics

What a powerful song! It actually made me cry thinking about all my struggles and the road I have been on all my life. I have finally become the woman I need to be and all I need now is to spend my life loving that special someone who loves me just as deeply as I love them.

I had a habit of messing up
staying out late and getting drunk
I let you down a thousand times broken promises
It's like I ran away from you
my career was my excuse
Until I saw you
about to drown in your own tears

And as you cried in my arms
you woke up my heart
And I saw again what I found in you
'Cause her heart her heart won't let me lose her
No matter how I try I just can't say goodbye and lose her

When all the folks were said and done
You were there to welcome me home
I was convicted 'cause your love never wavered
I know you love me more than me
and you vowed to love through anything
I never had a kind of love that was forever

And as you cried in my arms you woke up my heart
And I saw again what I found in you
'Cause her love her love won't let me lose her
No matter how I try I just can't say goodbye and lose her

'Cause her heart her heart won't let me lose her
No matter how hard I try I just can't say goodbye and lose her
No matter how hard I try I just can't say goodbye and lose her
No matter how I try I just can't say goodbye and lose her



Standard YouTube License

Friday, November 9, 2012

Why Would You Stay lyrics by Kem

Such a beautiful song!
Dedicated to Andre

There's a light shining on you.
And baby I'm trembling inside.
Loved a woman that I barely knew,
I must've been outta mind.

Ohhh I
I ll never hurt you again
Girl I
I know you deserve a better man
Hey I
I was a fool to ever let you down
So why would you stay?

Woman I beg your forgiveness
And I'll do whatever it takes
And may the Lord be my witness
Honey I never meant to treat you this way
Sugar your heart has been broken
But I could still see true love shine in your eyes
When every word has been spoken
Woman I'll love you for the rest of my life

Ohhh I
I ll never hurt you again
Girl I
I know you deserve a better man
Hey I
I was a fool to ever let you down
So why would you stay?

Oh baby
Don't know why, why you would stay
You're my baby
Hey girl

Yeahhhh I
I ll never hurt you again
Girl I
I know you deserve a better man
I was a fool to ever let you down
But I want you to staaaaay
Girl I
I'll never hurt you again
I know you deserve a better man
Girl I
Girl I
I was a fool to ever let you down
But I want yooooou... to stay.



Standard YouTube License

Dear Diary- Thankful

In the midst of crisis, you find out who your true friends, who has your back, who cares about you, and is truly there for more than a season.
In this past week I have learned so much about the people around me and myself. 
Some may say I have a lot of drama with me, but its not that I have drama (because EVERYONE HAS DRAMA), but its because I am an emotional woman and I carry my heart on my sleeves and I take everything to heart. I'm passionate about my friendships and the people I encounter.
I have also made a lot of mistakes that I am not proud about but it makes me feel so loved and cared for when a person can take the time to look into my soul, see my heart, and no that I am a good person and that I am trying to be a better woman. 
In the last couple of months I have lost friends, by choice, because I needed to remove people from my life who were not in my life for my best interest. I also chose to let some friends go because I didn't see the advantages of calling them my friend. I know there are people who feel ill about me as well and that's okay. Not everyone is for everybody. 
I am so appreciative right now of my love, Andre, for being the man he is to me and always will be. We have had a horrible week and the last couple of months have been trying but he is still here genuinely loving me. I am blessed to have had him in my life for 20 years! He has always been my guardian angel and I am thankful. The future is not etched in stone but I am hopeful it will be a great one! I can only get better from here.

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Defining Forgiveness

Some of us forgive for different reasons. For me their have been several reasons why I have forgiven others:
1. I truly wanted the relationship to work (intimate/friendly).
2. I felt partly responsible for their actions.
3. I too had done wrong and had either been forgiven or wished for forgiveness.
4. I understand that people are not perfect and make mistakes.
5. and most importantly, I have been forgiven for a lot of things I regretted later!

Forgiveness is not just in our words, it is also in our actions. We can't say we forgive someone but yet throw it in their face everytime we get a chance to do so.  We can't continue to harbor ill feelings. We can't attempt to get them back or be vengeful. We can't go out and do something to hurt the person like they hurt us.  We can't hold a grudge and we can't continue to make the person "pay for their mistakes."
Forgiveness is all in our actions and what and how we deal with that person from the point of forgiveness moving forward.

Some definitions of forgiveness are:

"act of pardoning somebody: the act of pardoning somebody for a mistake or wrongdoing; forgiving quality: the tendency to forgive offenses readily and easily"-

"Forgiveness is the renunciation or cessation of resentmentindignation or anger as a result of a perceived offense, disagreement, or mistake, or ceasing to demand punishment or restitution"-

"to cease to blame or hold resentment against"-

Some links I read on forgiveness:

I hope this helps you as it as helped me.

Dear Diary- Supportive Friends

So I have been leaning on my friends for emotional support through my breakup with my fiance and they are all being really positive. 
I am feeling inadequate and I am questioning myself because I tried so hard to make that relationship work and I put a lot of faith in the love. I thought I showed that to him in more ways than one but it wasn't enough.
What did I do wrong?
Did I not communicate well enough?
Was I sexually not enough?
Am I losing my skills?
Am I not attractive enough?
What could I have done better?
Why can't I let go?
What was I missing?
What did she have that I don't have?
What is about me that made him not want me anymore?

So many questions going through my head that I have a headache and I can't focus at times.
Most say "if its meant to be you two will get through this too, if you forgive him for the hurt he has caused you and vice versa but you both have to let go of the past and move forward."  I would have loved to have done that...possibly date again, get to know each other again, go to counseling, anything to make this work but it didn't happen, hasn't happened, and he is gone.

Some say "it wasn't going to last because their were too many trust issues" but I can't agree with that totally because I trusted him UP UNTIL NOW and his lack of trust was based on miscommunication and too many people in our business.

I've always been a confident woman, but right now I am not confident at all... time to re-evaluate myself and my thinking.

I know I am at a point in my life that I want to get married so I'm going to chill for now and work on me-again (because I thought I was already the total package) and wait for my King to love me for me and want me to be his Queen.

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

P.S. I'm Still Not Over You lyrics by Rihanna

okay this made me cry...

love this song!

What's up? 
I know we haven't spoken for a while 
But I was thinkin bout you 
And it kinda made me smile 
So many things to say 
And I'll put'em in a letter 
But it might be easier 
The words might come out better 
How's your mother, how's your little brother? 
Does he still look just like you? 
So many things I wanna know the answers to 
Wish I could press rewind
And rewrite every line 
To the story of me and you 

Don't you know I've tried and I've tried 
To get you out my mind 
But it don't get no better 
As each day goes by 
And I'm lost and confused
I've got nothing to lose 
Hope to hear from you soon 
P.S. I'm still not over you you
Still not over you you

[Verse 2] 
Excuse me, I really didn't mean to ramble on 
But there's a lot of feelings that still remain since you been gone
I guess you thought that I would put it all behind me 
But it seems there's always somethin right there to remind me 
Like a silly joke, or somethin on the t.v. 
Boy it aint easy 
When I hear our song 
I get that same old feeling 
Wish I could press rewind 
Turn back the hands of time 
And I shouldn't be telling you you

Don't you know I've tried and I've tried 
To get you out my mind 
But it don't get no better 
As each day goes by 
And I'm lost and confused
I've got nothing to lose 
Hope to hear from you soon 
P.S. I'm still not over you you
Still not over you yea

Did you know I kept all of your pictures 
Don't have the strength to part with them yet 
Oh no... 
Tried to erase the way your kisses taste 
But some things a girl can never forget 

Don't you know I've tried and I've tried 
To get you out my mind 
But it don't get no better 
As each day goes by 
And I'm lost and confused
I've got nothin to lose 
Hope to hear from you soon 
P.S. I'm still not over you 
Still not over you 
And how I have tried to for get you

Don't you know I've tried and I've tried
To get you out my mind
But it don't get know better
As each day goes by
And I'm lost and confused
I'v got nothing to lose
Hope you to hear from soon
P.S. I'm still not over you
Still not over you

to listen,