Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Dear Diary- Grieving triple time

My best friend Nicole Freshour, died suddenly Thanksgiving night. I miss her so much. Even though we did not talk regularly, I knew she loved me and she knew I loved her. She was such a sweet down to earth beautiful woman inside and out.
In her passing, I embraced my friendships with people I had  thought I lost and forgave others who hurt me but I know love me just the same. I also looked at myself in the mirror and admitted my faults and saw clearly who I was and what I needed to do to make my life better, easier, manageable and happier. It started with honesty and then began my mission to heal completely. I thought that after 15 years of therapy I was the woman I thought I was supposed to be and even though I have healed from my rapes and the abuse and violence I have endured, I hadn't completely healed ME. I realize that the reason why I am not happily married is because a part of me is scared to love (because every person I have loved in the past has hurt me in some way or another and in ways no one child/woman should endure) and give into love completely no matter how close it is staring me in my face.
Not too long ago I talked about forgiveness and accusations and feeling betrayed, but the whole time I wasn't forgiving myself, the accusations were true (to some degree) and I betrayed myself and most importantly someone who has loved me for most of my life. I have also hurt others in the past because I couldn't let myself completely give myself wholeheartedly to someone. I could give them my heart but I kept holding back my soul and all my emotions. I have passed up a lot of good potential mates in my life because I was always searching for more because I couldn't see that the happiness was right there smiling in front of me. 
I am so mad at myself right now for my actions these last two years and hurting two very important people to me, but even more I regret that I didn't see before my angels passing that I was the one stopping my happiness. I knew I deserved it and she told me I did but I couldn't just take a hold of it and completely let someone love me. It was scary and I didn't quite know how to embrace it and cherish it, until she left... 
Before she died she apologized to me for not always being there and pushing me away but yet she always loved me and I always knew she did. So why did she hurt me?
She also did the same thing to her husband- apologized for hurting him and not being the best wife she could be, but that she loved him and wanted to be with him. So why did she hurt him?
See one reason I loved her so much is because I saw a part of her in me.
Just like I saw a part of me in my other best friend (not anymore because of me). 
I have sabotaged everything real and loving in my own life. My mirror image of love began with deceit, pain, hurt, abuse, mistrust, disrespect and everything else and for 35 years I have been continuing that cycle with MYSELF!
I can't be happy because I don't know how! I've never had long periods of happiness because I get too scared to take a hold of it and just be loved! I sabotage it before I can really take hold of it and experience it and its so sad!  Now I have lost everything yet I gained me again. I have to repair my road to happiness for me, for my kids, for him, for Nikki. I have to be a good godmommy to her son and give him the love he will be missing from his mommy. I also have to get down and dirty and see why I keep running the opposite way of my happiness before I lose what is left of my heart.
Andre, I am so sorry that I hurt you and I hope one day you will be able to forgive me. You were a good man to me and you didn't deserve what I have put you through. I thought I had healed. In a way I did outside but inside I am still trying to figure out what being in love and being happy means. I prayed the last couple weeks that he would be here to help me figure this all out through counseling, self revelations, and sifting through the pile of shit I have accumulated.
I wish I had someone to take me by the hand to help me figure this out, someone patient and forgiving, someone who truly knew that I was a good woman inside just crying and pleading for help but the one person that waited so long to give me the happiness I deserved doesn't have the strength anymore to keep fighting for me.  I hurt him again and now I am here alone dealing with it. I am not the woman I was 7, 10, 15, or even 20 years ago but I am definitely not the woman I should be. That needs to change before I lose my opportunity again for the love I so desperately need. I love myself but I am still a work in progress and I couldn't say that 3 years ago.
I just pray that one day he will forgive me and I can thank him for loving me so deeply. 

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