I was on an emotional high the last couple days with hopes and dreams of being able to finally complete my happiness and then BOOM! it all got rocked over something so simple.
I spoke of forgiveness the other day and now I am speaking of repenting. When you repent of an action you not only forgive yourself, but you try your hardest not to repeat the wrong you did.
I FUCKED up! I did something that hurt someone I truly love and I am completely and totally aware that what I did was wrong but I also heard "I forgive you" and I thought that was the road to redemption. Man, was I wrong. When you TRULY forgive someone you do not continue to look at everything under a microscope to find fault or to find reasons to use the bad deed against the person. You truly allow yourself to see their efforts so that you can move on. Forgiveness tells the person at fault that you want to believe in them, you have faith in their power to repent and that you acknowledge that they are truly sorry for their actions. When you forgive someone you are also saying to yourself that you are willing to give the other person a honest chance and that you yourself have the capability to do so. If you can NOT give the person a honest chance and if you can NOT find it within yourself to be able to do so then you should move on, because in the end you not only hurt yourself but you also in turn hurt the other person even to the point of hate.
Repenting in the Bible allows for God to forgive your sins and wipe your slate clean in order to entrust his love and holy spirit into you. Humans must be able to do the same thing, when they claim forgiveness.
People have hurt me in my past, all my life but who hasn't been hurt. However, I know the power of forgiveness because I have been truly forgiven before. I also know that the power of forgiveness is also in forgiving yourself for your own wrong doings and sometimes even for your actions that played a part in the wrong doing.
I hate to say it but some people never learn what forgiving others means and thus forgiving themselves.
For many years I couldn't forgive myself for my actions because I felt I deserved the hand I was dealt and thus an excuse to do the things I was doing but until I looked deep within me and forgave others was I truly able to forgive myself and heal from the pain and disappointments.
I decided that I am going to go back to counseling because their are still some things I need to work on- doesn't everybody! I am mature enough and sane enough to know when I need some guidance. I also know that I need spiritual guidance as well to reach my full potential. I thought I was there but I know now I'm not quite there- yet.
Until next time...