Thursday, December 6, 2012

Dear Diary- Moving Forward

These last 3 weeks have been trying. I lost my best friend and it made me wake up every morning since with a goal of how to improve my life that very day because tomorrow certainly isn't promised. I have been trying to reach my goal each day and even though forces are not cooperating and not allowing me to reach the goals I want to, I have to keep moving forward.
One thing I have learned from these last couple of months is that my healing is not over. I am still healing and still growing from my past and even though I can't seem to get away from it, I know now that I never will. All I can do is move forward the best way I know how and that is by focusing on what makes ME happy and being true to ME and doing what I need to do to take hold of my happiness.
So many times we find excuses and reasons for this and reasons for that but that doesn't take away the fact that we still do have control of our own happiness if we take ownership of it. I can't keep letting my past make me fearful of my future. I had my future all planned out and because of MY OWN fear and MY OWN insecurities and the pain that still exists in my heart along with the anger, resentment and just downright mistrust of every man in my life, I was blocking my own happiness by making foolish decisions and by grasping on to different parts of my happiness instead of focusing on the biggest part of my happiness- my future. I can live in the moment but the moment is not an investment into my future (or is it)?
I am still trying to figure this out and yes, I have a lot of work to do, but I am so thankful to my best friend, even in her passing, still supporting me. She would never want me to be in this place I'm in right now. The last time I saw her she was so happy for me and I feel like I let her down. I can't continue letting her down and myself for that matter.
I'm so tired of being unhappy on the inside and strong on the outside. I am always there for everyone else and I have been neglecting the most important person- ME. That stopped the morning I woke up and knew I would never hear her voice again and never see her beautiful eyes looking at me again and I would never ever get to hug her again. I need to see her again and the only way I can do that is to get my life right- now. For once and for all, I need to get it right.

No comments:

Post a Comment