I Needed

I needed to stop running
Running away from the thought of loving someone and being hurt
Opening up my closet and revealing all my secrets
Secrets that haunted and followed me everywhere I went

I needed to let go
Let go of the pain my father caused me
Let go of the young boys who took my virginity raping me of my innocence
Innocence long gone and never recovered

I needed to open up to the possibility
The possibility that maybe, just maybe I deserved love
Love that would protect and guide me
Guide me by example not by abuse and power

I needed someone to take my hand
Take my hand and show me what love was really about
Assure me that not all love was surrounded by doubt

I needed something powerful
Something so powerful to make me understand that without love, I'm not complete
Not complete or able to fully enjoy life's possibilities

I needed to forgive
Forgive those that hurt me, used me, bruised me and tried to control me
Controlling my mind and forgetting my heart
My heart that so needed to be handled with care and tended to like a precious jewel

I needed to stop using my body as a tool or a way to please others
Others that didn't care less past the front door because they didn't respect me
Like I didn't respect myself
Thinking that sex was a deposit for the reward I was looking for, love

I needed to be forgiven
Forgiven for all my mistakes
Mistakes I regret over and over again
Again because most don't understand the meaning of forgiveness
Saying they forgive but throwing daggers every chance they get
I only asked for forgiveness that was sincere and true

I needed to feel fear
Fear not of being hurt
But fear of not ever experiencing the kind of love I read about
Fear that I might miss out on something so beautiful
Something so genuine
Something so obviously meant for me
That if I didn't let go of the past
Then I would miss out on my future, missing the chance at love completely

I needed to feel what it is like to be in love
In love with someone who sincerely is in love with me
In love with my mind, my heart, my soul
My soul and not what they thought they could control, manipulate and replace

I needed to throw away my old ways
My old thoughts
My old selfishness
Selfishness labeled by others
Because they couldn't understand why I couldn't just be satisfied with them by seeking others
Not knowing that thru others I learned to hide my fear of giving my heart to only one
The One that might hurt and desert me like many before

I needed to look in the mirror and see my reflection
A reflection I wasn't proud of
A reflection that was longing to have someone I could surrender to
To be able to just let them love me the way I desperately needed but scared to do for myself

I needed to learn to love myself
Myself!
I needed to know that I was a survivor.
I needed to know that I was in control of me.
I needed to know that the past could no longer harm me if I didn't let it.
I needed to know that I could no longer hold onto the pain that others had inflicted on me because in doing so I was causing pain to others!
People that truly, truly loved me.

I needed to see that I am great just being me
Me, a mother, friend, confidante, and most of all unique because I am me
And that obviously there was something that people saw in me that I didn't see in myself- strength.

I needed to find me and be content with me
So I could finally open up and finally see
That love was always meant for me
Because love is what has empowered me
It has been my driving force all this time
Because its only through Gods love that I have survived.

I needed to fall to my lowest point
To rise and see what I was capable of
To allow my heart to fully love
To love and give my all to another
Another that will love and give their all to me
Because that is what I truly need
The blessing of finding that One for me
And for me to love wholeheartedly.

I need not fear love but fear the thought of not ever experiencing how blessed love can be.