Exterior

I stand naked looking at my thick exterior
I touch my chest and can feel my interior...pounding
I can see the fullness in my hips, thighs and breast.
I touch myself with a sweet caress.

Inside I'm ill and feeling weak.
My face is tight and I'm feeling beat
As this sickness inside me invades my mind
And I look at my skin as it  transparently tells time.

I'm scared and vulnerable, exhausted and spent.
I'm wondering where my power and strength has went.
Five big letters changed my whole day
Made me break down and fall to my knees and pray.

My pride and joys are still perky and full
I hold them close and start to feel like a fool
As I remember how proud ive always been of my breast
But this right now is really the test

Faith and courage is what I need now
To fight this battle and rise somehow
Past the exterior and beauty that our bodies possess
To fulfill something better like just being blessed.

As I draw on Him and my circle for comfort
I feed on my interior and my creators design
To know that He's got me and not leading me blind.

I'm hopeful yet terrified, still alive thats true
I'm counting on Faith to make me whole and anew.
I look up to the heavens to feel life on my face
And I know that he's listening and extending his grace

Day 13- Me for Me (remastered)

Broken down and tired

Wondering what and where my future leads

I sit angry and cold

Lost and abandoned

Hurt and above all else

Disappointed

I can’t imagine why you can’t see

Why can’t you look at me and see

I am the woman you always wanted

I am the woman you always asked for

I am here. I’m Me.

Why can’t you take Me as I am?

I stand tall

Knowing I’ve lost the war of having what my heart so desperately needs

I stand even though I feel weak to my knees

Defeated

Spent

Done

Why can’t you take Me as I am?

I pray that one day you will see

I pray that one day I will know

I pray that one day I will heal

Nothing should hurt so bad

Love lost only to be found

And then lost again

Why can’t you take Me as I am?

I can only be

Beautiful, open, genuine, sincere

Torn yet mended

Broken yet healing

Past pains

And past failures

And past choices

All in my past

And yet still haunting me

Why can’t you take Me as I am?

I am all that I can be

I am offering you that plus more

My kids

My heart

My body

My future

My now

Why can’t you take Me as I am?

I am the loyal friend

The trusted listener

The go getter

The child advocator

The lover- not the fighter

I am strong

I am intelligent

I am loving

I am sincere

But I’m not yours

Why can’t you take Me as I am?

I realize that I grew up

I got bigger

Thicker

Sexier

Older

But I am who I am and that is Me

Why can’t you take Me as I am?

I love you with every ounce I can gather

I gasp for the same air as you

I nurture everything about you

I cater to your pleasures

I surrender to your touch

But it’s not enough

I’m not enough

Why can’t you take Me as I am?

I am recklessly in love with you

Because you are what made me want to be more

You are the reason I kept believing

You are the reason I kept on wishing

You were the ultimate prize

And yet I’ve lost- again and again

Miserably…

Why can’t you take Me as I am?

I’m in love, I admit it.

I’m selfish, I admit it.

I’m stubborn, I admit it.

I’m opinionated, I admit that too.

But I’m all of this for you.

Why can’t you take Me as I am?

I’ve made mistakes

And I’ve paid for them

I’ve hurt you before

I tried to repair your heart

I’ve been abused and misused

But my head is still high

I came through it all

To see what’s in your heart

Why can’t you see what’s in mine

Why can’t you take Me for who I am right now?

You know why you can’t see Me

Because you’re filled with the old me

And what the old me did

And what the old me lied about

How the old me cheated on you

How the old me walked away

How the old me married someone else

How the old me carried someone else’s child

How the old me used to love because I didn’t know back then what the new Me knows now

I know why You can’t take me for Me

Because You can’t take you for You

Because the old you can’t see the new Me

Its cock-blocking and throwing curve balls

And getting tangled in Your own webs

And fooling yourself like you did back then

And Your impatient with Who I am now

Because the old you hasn’t caught up with the new Me

And the new Me is looking for the old you

And the two of You and the two of Me

Can’t seem to come to one conclusion----

US!

You can’t take Me for who I am

Because You’re too caught up

On who I was

That you can’t see You

Being happy with Me

Because the old you

Wants the new Me

But the new You

Can only see the old me

And we all can’t see forward to the future

…because you can’t love the New me

Unconditionally…

Because You’re too in love

With the old me

To fall in love with who you see-

Me.  Right Now. Me. Tomorrow. Me. Future. Me. Reality. Me.

© copyright 2012-09-07 20:05:15 - All Rights Reserved

© copyright 2013-04-15 11:51:30 - All Rights Reserved

Day 12- Fly (unfinished)

Listening to the birds chirping

Wondering what their talking about 

As my mind is clouded with morbid thoughts of flying away forever

I can see the distance ahead 

As if my vision is suddenly clearer

But then I fall 

Breaking my spirit and the wings that keep me soaring

As I flutter to regain my mission 

I feel weak and worn down

My body aches 

As my mind tries to recall my escape route

It’s too dismal to see through the storm 

Because

My inspiration to take flight and find a new home is slowly waning.

I don't want to fly anymore for fear I'll never want to land

I can hear the others calling for me but I turn away

Ready to turn in my wings and just lay here and pray

But something close by keeps calling for me but I look away

I don't want to hear anything

My flight has ended and I'm ready to give up.

I can hear the waters rushing by with a destination unknown 

And I want to ride the waves to a new home

But where might that be

Is it up north where I came from

Down south where I love

Or is it somewhere new east west to me totally different and free.

I try to spread my wings and gain control

But the fluttering inside my heart 

Won’t stop and it has me bound to this desolate place

Where no one wants to visit or see

They travel past just long enough to see me

Thrashing and squawking about, sinking in my own misery

And no one stops to save me or throw out nourishment for me.

I'm weak and I'm broken listening to the birds go by

Wishing I could soar above my broken spirit and fly...

© copyright 2013-04-15 11:38:24 - All Rights Reserved

Day 11 (from the archives)- Beautifully Me

Beautifully Me

Today I am feeling beautiful like a romantic sunset

I’m hopeful and looking forward to a new dawn

                As I come to terms with my heart’s desire

                And realize that my heart longs

                For not just a home to rest

                But a haven to hide from the insanity of life.

I’m feeling joyous at the prospect that life continues

                Even after heartache.

                And with true friends and loving family

                I’m renewed in the prospect

                Of finding heaven despite the pain.

I am hopeful that the tides of change

                Are here to embrace my dreams of a new beginning

                As I count my blessings and pray for forgiveness

                For I am not perfect but I am a good woman.

I am confident in my ability to be a good wife and mother

                Because my God had a plan for me

                To help and nurture those who are in need

                And give to those who are too proud to ask.

I am grateful for those who love me and those who tried to understand my inner self

                And supported me through my ups as well as my downs

                For I am a strong woman of grace and am powerful in many ways.

With faith I am assured that my life can and will begin again

                For I am forever evolving into the woman I know I am supposed to be

                And deserve to be for myself, my kids, and my soulmate- wherever they may be.

I am waiting patiently for the sun to shine its precious glory on me

                And show me the path to greatness

                For I am me and me is great

                And inside I feel the passion that bore me and the love that encompasses me.

I am wonderfully made and beautifully free.

© copyright 2012-07-20 14:04:20 - All Rights Reserved

                

Day 10- Daughter Tells All

Daughter Tells All

In the back of my mind I'm willing to forgive

But something inside just won't give

You hurt me deeper than you'll ever know
And somehow I feel

you don't care to know so

The pain that I feel is oh so real
Its worn me down and ripped me apart

Made me stand back and protect my heart

It’s hard to tell if it's you or them
Because the hurt I feel is so deep within

See you took away something I'll never find completely again
My trust in the creation that God called men

Inside I'm broken
But outside I’m all whole
But that’s only because I refuse

to give this pain control

A daughter should never experience

what your child went through
Especially someone

that’s so supposed to

love, protect and guide you too 

But instead you taught worthlesness and miserable strife

See this demon I see that keeps following me
Is one I can't help but naturally see
My father, my king, and my aggressor too
Took my innocence and crushed my spirit too
Made me suffer the first betrayal from someone I loved
And no other one did I hold up above

There are bruises and scars

that you can still faintly see
And fear, loneliness and misery

continue to reside in me

I might be Broken and tattered

but still I'm strong, standing tall
A victim to survivor

I often rise and fall

Not questioning why
because it doesn't matter; your little girls gone
poor little girl that just seem can't seem to move on
Because in the back of her head there all just like you
Waiting to abuse her, hurt her and mislead her too

Pray for me sisters because this life makes you crawl
But at the end of the day Our Gods got it all
Broken and bruised but not destroyed.

© copyright 2013-04-11 04:07:01 - All Rights Reserved

Day 9- Used to Be Us

Used to Be Us

That used to be us

smiling and laughing together
Unable to keep our hands off each other
Totally in love and one.

We used to make everyone blush 

at our constant teasing and touching
In tune with each other 

down to the last heartbeat.

Our love was magnetic and contagious 
They adored everything about us.

I used to not get enough of you
And with you is where I always wanted to be
In your arms. In your presence. Breathing only you.

I miss that kind of love

that would draw me wherever you were
The type of love 

that shortened the hours and days 

before I would see you again.

I miss those long conversations

and talking about nothing
Just hearing your voice

was enough for me sometimes.

I'm missing us and the way you made me feel

every time I saw you
Nothing could distract me

from the power you had over me.

I'm missing the smile on your face 

when you caught sight of me
And running into your arms
that always seemed to open up to me 

at just the right moment
Making me feel like 

the most gorgeous woman around
Kissing me so passionately

that I melted with the thought of later...

That used to be us

that made other couples question themselves
No one could deny the feelings we shared

We were obvious with what we had
Others couldn't even come close or compare.

We even looked good together
Lights seemed to follow us

as we took each step hand in hand.
Others gravitated to us

just to be in the awe of us.

Your tall, chocolate and handsome

beside my caramel thick frame
Showing off like we belong on a runway
Couple status was our performance

and we modeled it well.

Aw...I'm missing the attention you gave me 
It was all I needed to feel like your Queen.
I reigned with your love

and no one could take that from Us.

We used to be that couple

everyone wanted to be.
But most of all you were that other half

of the perfect couple with me.

I'm missing what we had
And what it meant to be yours

Above all others.
I'm missing Us. You and me.

© copyright 2013-04-10 00:01:00 - All Rights Reserved

Day 8- Missing My Angel

I'm missing my beautiful best friend
I'm remembering the sweetness of her words
And the long talks about anything and everything

I'm remember the last time I saw her gorgeous face and the way she smiled at me
With those radiant eyes of hers

I remember her voice saying I love you and promising to see me again soon
And the way she kissed my lips goodbye

I remember meeting her sweet boy and seeing how great a mother was
As I shared pictures of my babies
With the promise to introduce them all

I remember being so thankful to Him for giving me the opportunity to see her once again...
I had no idea it would be the last time.

I am missing everything about her especially the months and years we loss
But I'm so thankful that we never lost touch
With every day we missed we caught up quickly and made our friendship even stronger.

I'm missing the way she made me feel when I confided in her
Never judging me and always loving me for who I am
She was a true friend even in her absence

I wish I could talk to her now
Here her saying I love you baby in that sexy raspy voice of hers
And I wish I could just hold her again and run my fingers through her fiery red hair

I miss you my angel nikki
Missing and remembering everything about you
I love you