Sabotage

Sabotage. Sometimes out of fear we hold back, withdraw, stumble, or take advantage of the love someone has for us because we don't know what to do with their good love. We get so used to being hurt by the bad love people profess to us, that when the real thing comes along, we don't know how to accept it or recognize it for what it is. That has happened to me more than once. I was so scared of being hurt that fear caused me to sabotage my own relationship before the relationship did. My fears blinded me to feel like the good was too good to be true so I did me preparing myself for the pain that I knew would come, but not realizing that if I didn't sabotage my OWN situation the pain may have never come! All this occurred because of FEAR of my past, my pain, and not being able to trust that love is not supposed to hurt! It took for me to see true love walk away from me, literally, that it took my breath away to feel how devastatingly painful it is to love someone so much and they be scared to love YOU to the point that they sabotaged your relationship to a level you never imagined. Karma mixed with reality check is a muthafucker! But guess what, I got it. I saw what I had been doing all these years in the name of Fear. I made immediate changes, stopped blaming my past, took responsibility for my mistakes and choices, and told myself never ever to let go of true love again and sabotage my OWN happiness! Good morning all!

Settle down? Fall in love? Why?

Falling in love. Settle down. What the heck does that mean? I don't want to fall in love. I want to wake up to love. Jump for love. Walk in love. Get high on love. Marvel in the beauty of love. I don't want to fall. Falling hurts! It usually happens because your afraid, clumsy, or.running away from something bad. I don't want to fall. I want to run straight to it and embrace it between my bosom so it can hear my heart beat!
I definitely don't want to settle down... That is the most ridiculous phrase ever! When you settle, your taking what you can get it, not exactly what you want. You settle for a house more affordable. You settle for a car with less perks. You settle for a different job so you can maintain your household. But why should you settle when it comes to your hearts peace, joy, security and happiness? You shouldn't. instead of saying I'm ready to settle down, say "I'm ready to find the One for me." Never settle because the One will live in a one  bedroom cottage driving scooters to your $10 per hour job with you and you will love every minute of it!

Healing Whole

So I've been asked repeatedly this month, "where you been" at places I used to frequent and groups I used to belong to and my response has been, healing. but then yesterday at lunch I spent most of my lunch time talking about my ex fiancée... and they let me. When I finished they asked "are you done" and I couldn't help but laugh! How could you have been healing when you haven't let go, I asked myself?
And my answer to that is this: I was healing mentally and spiritually for my own sanity but I was only putting bandages on my heart delaying my process of healing emotionally because I was still holding on to the "hope" he kept feeding me and not the truth he.was showing me, repeatedly...over and over again. I wasn't used to anyone not wanting me and certainly not a man I had loved for most of my life who had helped shape me into the woman I am now. He raised me from a girl to a woman and I'm thankful for that.
So last night, I remembered something someone always used to say to me "don't say goodbye because goodbye means forever." Last night I said goodbye. I thanked him for loving me all these years, molding me, caring for me, being patient with me, giving me chances over and over again and helping me realize my faults, my actions, and where I needed to improve myself as a mate. I confessed my undying love for him and then I said "Goodbye."
Not goodbye to him, because I will never turn him away if he needed me, but goodbye to the pain he has caused me and won't acknowledge, the hurt of losing our forever we planned, the dreams and the hopes only reserved for him, the support I've been wanting that I really only wanted from him, but need, from someone who truly supports me wholeheartedly, and the holding pattern I've been in for 13 months now not letting anyone else in.
Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye.
I smiled when I said It- not forever to being in love but forever to holding back another second and bandaging my heart. Its time to start healing emotionally so I can become whole again. Its not enough to heal your mind and spirit if your heart is still broken.  All of the possessions I held onto are now sealed away in a pretty box with a red bow..... Morning everyone.

Venting

I have made every provision to make sure my kids are taken care of and have the support they need while I'm dealing with my health, but people don't understand that I have no one taking care of me when I get home. No one to lay on, cry on, cuddle with, throw up with, get warm with, ache with, scream and let my frustrations out with. No one taking care of my emotional, mental and physical needs. Its okay to get an occasional phone call, text, or check in but their not frequent enough to cover having someone in your presence. Hell I hardly hear from the people I call my friends and claim they love me during all this. Their lives are too busy, yet I'm ALWAYS there for everyone else.  It's not about wanting a mate. It's not about needing a mate. It's about missing, wanting and needing that One mate that will be my rock and support me while I'm in need and even when I'm not.  It's not easy coming home sick everyday, tired and taking care of everyone else and no one here to take care of me. If you can't understand that, it's because you haven't gone through this alone. If you think I'm whining, needy, or bitchin all the time, then go through what I am, AFTER you delete me, and then tell the world you understand. Don't judge me, because I realize I can't do this alone, no matter how strong and independent I've been all my life. It's okay for me to want someone by my side to make life a little bit easier. Now I have much respect for my mom caring for my dad all these years. He is.blessed to have her there by his side.  God made a woman to be by her mates side as he provides for her. I'm Gods creation. Did you forget you are too? Have a great day people!

Check This

I see you over there
checking me out
Your fine, sophisticated
and what I've been talking about
You like me
I like you
Now what we gonna do
I'm feeling you
Your feeling me
So what we gonna do

Check it
I don't have time for games
Or wasting my time on playas
I'm a real chick
And what I have to offer
is made only for lovers

So let me know what you want
and I'll tell you what I need
Then we can get up and talk
And figure out where this leads

We been watching each other for a while
But we can't seem to get it together
But I'm tired of all this silence
Because I'm looking for my forever

So what you trying to do
Don't talk about it, be a about it
I know what I'm tryin to do
I'm trying to be about you

Court me
Romance me
Show me what I'll get in you
I'll spoil you
Seduce you
and show you my heart too

I'm tired of this back and forth
I know you are too
I'm worth it
Your worth it
So its up to me and you

I'm waiting for my King
Because I know that I'm a Queen
So bring yourself to me
So we can fulfill our destiny

Passion to Me

I want to feel the passion of love again
The way it feels to desire someone and only them
A feeling of immense pleasure whenever their around
I want to feel the way a woman should when her baby enters the room
Making me forget everyone around me
I want to feel the moment when my heart skips a beat and I become breathless when you look at me
I want to feel the gentleness of your hand caressing my face
The sweet taste of your lips meeting mine
I want to feel the chills down my spine as you place your hand at the small of my back
I want to feel the passion of knowing you are waiting for me as I step off the plane
I want to feel that nervousness in my belly when I know you have to leave
I want to feel those silly butterflies that flutter around when I see your face pop up on my phone
I want to blush everytime you say my name
I want to feel the passion I felt the first moment I saw you
and I want to feel that sickening feeling I get when I know our visit is coming to an end
I want to feel all the wonderful emotions that come with being in love with someone who genuinely loves me back.
I want to feel more than I've ever felt before
I want to feel the anticipation of knowing we have a future together
I want to feel the confidence of knowing that we are going to be okay
I want to feel the depth of his love for me in his actions AND his words
I want to feel all this passion between my thighs as I wrap my legs around you making us one
I want to feel the romance in your tongue as you kiss me so deeply that I fall deeper in love with you.
I want to feel a climax so strong that you have to carry me back from Paradise.
I want to feel that passion of your embrace as you hold me close to you making me feel safe and warm.
I want to feel the presence of you growing inside me everyday validating what we have for all to see.
I want this passion more than a one night stand or a date with a rich man.
I want to feel everything that encompasses what I've always imagined love can be.
I want to feel what being in love really means to me.
I just want to feel what he once did for me.

With Each Day

With each day that passes

I can feel a piece of my heart slipping away

Holding on desperately to what my heart feels it needs

Ignoring what my mind is screaming out to me

Waiting, begging you to stay around

Not leaving me behind

But with each day that passes

I can feel my heart slipping away

Going into a distant corner

Hiding, waiting, patiently pacing

Back and forth

While you go on with your life

Not missing or needing me

Like I am for you

While each day passes

Taking me further and further away

From my dreams, my hopes, my everything

 

With each day that passes

I can't believe it came to this

Everything you asked me

I gave to you and yet it wasn't enough

My best wasn't enough! and yet

I gave my all while waiting for you

The days, months turning into a year

With each day that passed

My hope was renewed time and time again

Only to be shattered by your coldness

And disappearing acts

Your broken promises and everything

I had to keep holding on

Only to come to this moment right now

Where with each day that passes

I'm losing a little bit of me

While waiting for you to return the love

I have inside for you and you claimed you had for me too

 

With each day that passes

I look in the mirror constantly

Wondering if I'm not beautiful enough

Sexy enough

Smart enough

Healed enough

Remorseful enough

Paid enough for all you say I did to make you this way

Yet with each day that has passed

I have spent all of it

Trying to be a better woman for me

So that I can be a better woman to you

Like you asked of me

But with each day that passes

My efforts are rejected

My mission is cast aside

My courage is being tested

As you find excuses to walk away again and again

Knowing our hearts beat to the same song

Or so I mesmerized it to ring so

As each day passes with us being wasted

 

With each day that passes

I am feeling more and more hurt

Even more I can feel the pain

Deep down inside

Tearing me a part

Paralyzing me in a mental state of hysteria

Engulfing me in flames

Taking me away from reality

Making my insides erode from worry

As I keep dreaming of the day

When you will finally say

"I love you and want to stay"

Yet with each day that passes

That I don't hear your voice

And don't get any response from you

I am dying inside

Heart broken by fates cruel joke

As each day passes I can't help but fight

Knowing that I didn't get to this place

For it not to be right

But with each day that passes

I'm wondering more and more

If all this is a lesson

and I'm supposed to survive this

Until I'm lovesick,

lifeless

and poor

 

Not one day can pass

Without me wanting to love you

But I'm coming to the conclusion

That you will never stop running from it too

My heart is giving in

Ready to run and hide

Never peeking out for fear

That you won't be there

As each day passes

you're becoming more of an illusion to me

A knight on a white horse

That my mother promised me didn't exist

A prince that will never kiss me awake

An angel with misery as its duty

With each day I'm losing my dreams

And waking up to nightmares

With you as the subject of my decent to oblivion

 

With each day I'm trying to hold on

Frustrated

Worried

Scared

Lost

Disgusted

Fighting a war that seems never to end

Because you can't trust anyone

Not even your own heart

To let me love you

Like you always wanted me to

Because with each day that has passed

You are making me suffer

The man's scorn of a broken heart unmended

And with each day

I pay the price of a woman in love

Who is trying to win your heart

With everything in me

Though it's tearing me apart

 

Yet I am still here

Praying for you

Asking God to forgive you and heal you

Because I've forgiven you too

Every moment I hear your voice

And see your face

Promising me you want me forever

Asking me to wait while you mend

As each day passes

I'm asking for some sign that you and I are worth fighting for

Only to keep running into your wall of silence

Trying to beat it down with each pump of my heart

With each dose of love potion

With everything inside me that wants to hold on

To this great love I can't seem to let go

 

But

With each day that passes

I can see my life flash before me

Losing my heart to anger and sorrow

Stress and regrets

Becoming bitter and resentful

And with each day that passes

I painfully wither in defeat

Slowly losing me

While waiting for you

While I try to hold on as the days pass me by

To what's left- my soul, my dreams, my hopes, my everything

While still waiting for you