Love is Not

I've come to the conclusion that being happy in love is not in the cards for me
I choose death over a life filled with misery
Lost in  a web of agony and pain
I hopelessly hang my head in shame
Wondering why I've been cast aside to have love so close but not able to touch it enough to feel its joy
Praying for a way out of this torture that my heart puts me through not able to see the sunshine on my face because the tears keep falling

I'm wishing for my fate to end so that I can escape this dread I've been sentenced to
Wanting so much to have my forever only to have days ahead that are filled with loneliness
There is only so much I can do to love myself without longing for another to love me deeper than the ocean depth

Is it too much to long for or to want a companion by your side or is it my curse that I want such a beautiful thing in my life

I'm dreading the lonely nights and the weeping willows outside my window whispering to me
As I toss and turn trying to find comfort between cold hard sheets

I'm restless and tired consumed by disgust for what I've done to myself to destroy what should have been long ago
And damned myself to a life of multiple liasons and scars on my soul
Only to finally fall into an abyss of nothingness filled with blood sucking vampires who want to invigorate me but not save me from an eternity of sorrow

I'm convinced that this is my fate and with this I resign myself to damnation for not wanting to live another retched day filled with nobody by my side to love and cherish
A miserable existence it is to not wake up to a warm embrace
And a smile that welcomes you to a new day
And what a horrible day it is when the sun can't shine because the clouds are standing still over your head

I'll accept my fate and metamorphis into a cocoon hoping to turn into something more beautiful and wanted
I've come to accept that being in love is not in my future and that I was made only to transform over and over again in an endless game of what ifs

I accept that I am dead inside out and love is not my fate.